In just a few short weeks, this country will be turning an eye to Iowa. Why? Because they grow our corn there. Actually, we’ll be paying attention to Iowa because they’ll be holding the Iowa presidential caucus on January 3. Now, in addition to acting like a seventh grade boy and laughing when you say the word “caucus,” this is also a time to sit back and really take in what the presidential candidates have to offer. In other words, it’s time to wonder what they’re like to party with. After all, you only really know a person once you’ve thrown back a couple shots of Jäger together. And only then can you really know if they’re the kind of personyou
would want to elect President.
Imagine, if you will, what a party with the leading candidates in attendance would look like…here’s Miss Pop Rocks take on things:
Mitt Romney/The Designated Driver
Come on, Romney. My parents aren’t going to be home for, like, another hour. I know, you don’t even drink Coca Cola, much less a cold brewski. Calm down, Mitt, that dude’s just doing a keg stand. He isn’t gonna hurt himself…Hey, Mitt, you’re the DD, the Keymaster, right? Think you can take meeessh hommeeebblpt?? Come on, Mitt, try a cold one. You need to loosen up or something.
Barack Obama/Toking in the Bathroom
Ohmigawd, Barack just rolled the biggest J in the back bathroom everyone. Seriously. You need to go check it out. That ain’t no shwag, ya’ll. I don’t know where he got it, but it’s seriously some sweet, sweet weed. He’s been in there all night, and now he’s asking if anybody has any salty snacks. Anyone got some? Shit, I think he just dialed Oprah on his cell. This party is gonna get a whole lot crazier, people.
John Edwards/Checking Himself Out in the Mirror
God, get a load of Edwards, man. He just got his hair cut. Thinks he looks so superfly or whatever. Edwards, hey…hey Edwards. Man, he keeps looking at himself in the mirror, he can’t even hear me. Edwards. Edwards! God. For someone who used to sweep the floor of a textile mill, he’s got pretty good hair.
Mike Huckabee/Not Going Near the Snacks
Jeez, check out how much weight Mike has lost. Oh wow. How did he do it? Did he have that surgery? Oh, just will power? Wow. Man, he’s not going near the snacks. It’s like he’s not even looking at them. Whatever, Obama ate most of them already anyway.
Fred Thompson/Passed Out Cold
Whoa, someone better check out Thompson. Turn him on his side or something. Fred? Shit, this mofo is passed out cold.
Rudy Giuliani/The Playa
Dude, Rudy is such a player. I mean, he’s talking to that chick and then five seconds later he’s hitting on that other chick. Does he not think the first girl’s gonna notice? Ew. Seriously. He is just the biggest mack daddy. Rudy, come on. You gotta be better looking if you’re gonna try to play that game. Dang, he should get the name of Edward’s hair guy.
Hillary looks so pissed right now. Ohmigawd, have you seen Bill? I don’t even know. Man, she is so totally pissed right now. Like, I think she doesn’t know where Bill is or whatever. Oh, he’s in the back bathroom with Barack, right? Someone should go tell her. Dude, it’s not going to be me. She shouldn’t be so angry. At least it’s Barack and not Monica. Anyway, I think Dennis Kucinich is in there, too. Seriously, she should just calm down, you know? -- Jennifer Mathieu
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.