What We Lose, And What We Gain, If Texas Secedes

Rick Perry, our governor, has taken a steep dive off the sanity cliff with his preachin'-to-the-Rush-choir talk of seceding from the United States.

This may be hard to imagine, but we think Perry might not have thought the whole thing through so well. And not just because he's presented the image of a white, Southern-accented governor foaming on about "state's rights," but because there are certain things Texas would have to give up -- and put up with -- if we became an independent country.

What would we have to give up?

1. Being able to sing along with Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American." A song which follows the title phrase with "where at least I know I'm free," which always sounded to us like kind of a lame comment: Yeah, the country sucks, but at least I know I'm free. Anyway, if forced to live in a new country where we could no longer stand, hand over heart, as Greenwood blasts over a tinny PA system, we might revolt. On the other hand, we're sure Greenwood would knock up a new song just for Texas if you asked.

2. The right to bitch that the Longhorns have yet again been unfairly discriminated against in the BCS standings. That's right, people -- The NCAA ain't no international organization. Texas secedes, it's out of the NCAA. On the one hand, that would greatly increase the chances of achieving the heretofore impossible task of Mack Brown winning a championship without Vince Young. On the other hand, what would football season be without UT fans whining about how no one respects them?

3. The right to inflict a Bush onto the rest of the country. Sure, both Georges were fake Texans, but still, we got to watch as they tried to mimic the stereotype. No longer, though, would we be able to force the rest of America to put up with the crassness, the bad music, the hokey Lone Star and cowboy references. Now, our Bushes will be homegrown!! Except, ummm, none of them live here anymore except W, and he's done.

4. The ability to send some politicians far, far away from Texas. Think this through, people: now, we can send Sheila Jackson Lee and Ted Poe and Ron Paul to Washington, and forget about them except for the (admittedly, all-too-often) embarrassment. Leave the union, and every Texas member of Congress is coming home, serving in Austin, in your face all the time. Is this a world you want to live in?

5. Celebrating the Fourth of July and President's Day. And, we'd be willing to bet the house, Martin Luther King Day. 

In addition to what we'd be giving up, this is what we'd be getting:

1. Texas Idol instead of American Idol. How many off-key versions of "Amarillo By Morning" can one nation endure? We're afraid we'd have to find out.

2. A whole lot of furriners. Foreign nations send ambassadors to live in other nations. This would include Mexico. We, for one, don't want to establish an independent Texas that results in more Mexicans here. Right?

3. Pornography laws written by Texas conservatives. And by "pornography," we mean -- within three years or so -- the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. And any issue of Reader's Digest where the "Humor in Uniform" anecdotes get a little racy.

4. Being the world's leading educator of anti-evolution "theories." UT, A&M, UH and Tech -- get ready for those applications to pour in!! From wingnuts with master's degrees from the University of Intelligent Design. All faculty meetings, by the way, will begin with "just a quick prayer."

5. President Rick Perry.

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