While You Weren't Tweeting: Tigers, Wires and Pairs, Oh My!

What was life like before the Internet? Does anyone really remember, anyway? 'Cause, you know, some kids've been choking the cyberchicken since birth, we hear. Even we fogeys certainly don't recall much before the Invasion of the Interwebs, but we'll posit a guess that we were thinner, friendless, ill-informed versions of ourselves. We probably bumped uglies with random strangers a lot more often, too.

We'll take our our fatty, cerebrally-stimulated asses, our schedules full of tweetups, throwdowns, smackdowns, and camps, and weep for those attempting to fill the void with cable television, Commodore-64s, and requests for Best Buy's Geek Squad to run those free AOL CDs on their creaking desktops. We love and adore our tasty virtual reality; it's true.

However, even the Internet knows that sometimes, you have to tear yourself away from its siren song. But, loyal manservant that it is, it never ceases churning out the entertainment, even while you're away.

Oh, take a number already. We know you'd all marry the Internet if it were anything near tangible or insertable. We're already in line ahead of you.

Catch a tiger by his fail. So, a chunkdafied Tiger Woods apologized last week for being a philandering little whore. In video. Online. Before you begin your cries of, "Who CARES?" we'd like to tell you that, well, no one actually cared. Only about 680,000 really bored individuals viewed the 15-minute event on Ustream. Now compare Tiger's meager turnout to the 4.6 million Ustream viewers that tuned in for Michael Jackson's 1.5-hour live memorial service, and you'll get that it really was no big fucking deal at all. So much for starting with the man in the mirror.

One techie's trash is another techie's treasure. When it comes to hardware, ever notice how you're wont to truly toss the gear you no longer use? Yeah, same here. Ending up in your garage or basement in some plastic Ikea bin does not count as "riddance," we fear. But now you have no reason to relinquish possession of any of it, 'cause you can make shit out of your old computer cords and floppy disks. O come, all ye packrats!

iPod, iPhone, iMac, iDo! In decidedly the most unromantic wedding in the history of matrimony, Josh and Ting Li tied the knot on Valentine's Day - at Apple's flagship Fifth Avenue store in New York City. Yeah. 'Cause when we dream of our wedding day, it usually includes industrial-grade carpeting, glaring bystanders wishing they could simply get to the cash register, and an Asian blogger-cum-Steve Jobs officiating. Different clicks for different chicks, we imagine. As long as Mr. Li knows what it takes to scroll young Ting's Magic Mouse, who are we to judge?

Might wanna cover Gloria Steinem's ears for this one. No money for gym dues? No problem! Law student Julia Neyman does whatever it takes to make sure Responsible Member of the Monthly-Gym-Membership-Paying Society is not an accolade on her resume. Neyman, ever the burgeoning attorney, even blogs about her efforts to get a free session here, a free week there at fitness centers all over the New York area. The little gymhopping opportunist claims she doesn't "beg, lie, or finagle" to get her free passes. But she doesn't discount the fact that they ain't called "assets" for nothin', child.

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Fayza Elmostehi
Contact: Fayza Elmostehi