Who Needs Doctors When a Texas Group Is "Licensing" God's Health Care Workers?

Good news for people suspicious of "medical doctors" and their overreliance on, uh, "medicine": NPR reports that a growing number of charlatans  true believers are getting health care licenses from the only authority that matters — God.

According to the story, the Irving-based Pastoral Medical Association gives out "'pastoral provider licenses' in all 50 states and 30 countries."

Unfortunately, the heretics at the Texas Medical Board have cracked down on some of these doctors of the cloth. As NPR reports, "in recent years, the Texas Medical Board has sent about a dozen cease-and-desist orders to people using the pastoral medicine certification. Some hawk dubious supplements like colloidal silver, promise extreme weight loss, treat thyroid disorders and discourage vaccine use."

The good folks at the Pastoral Medical Association were too busy doing God's work to have a deep discussion with those aggressively atheist elitists at NPR, only providing a statement "explaining it was founded by a group of Christians concerned with the increase in chronic illness. The association says it seeks to protect 'the Almighty's Health Care workers.'" 

Lo, the association's website ("optimized for Firefox") is a wonder to behold. It comes complete with a constitution, which begins:

We of this mighty western Republic have to grapple with the dangers that spring from popular self-government tried on a scale incomparably vaster than ever before in the history of mankind, and from an abounding material prosperity greater also than anything which the world has hitherto seen. 

One thing that we hitherto haven't seen is a license verification system like the association's, which requires up to three working days to tell you whether a person is indeed one of God's Almighty Health Care Workers, and which requires the consumer to explain why he or she is asking about the person's license in the first place. 

But you can also search by location, and fortunately, the Houston area has an abundance of these shameless shamans, like a dude whose 46 specialties include "flower essences" and both "traditional Chinese medicine" and "Oriental medicine." 

Another practitioner — a massage therapist — specializes in "Eastern bodywork and car accidents."

The site also provides a portal to supplements steeped in "important molecules known as Fulvic & Humic" that could help with "157 human degenerative metabolic diseases, " including lupus and asthma. Our favorite is the "comprehensive wellness quart," which is packaged like something you'd find at AutoZone, and which boasts "over 310 of the finest all natural liquid ingredients." 

Strangely, the site also hawks a Missouri-based insurance provider recommended by the association for those who are considering a career in Christ-conjured cure-alls.  Lockton Affinity answers all your questions about personal insurance coverage, except for all the 404-error page dead ends, which is clearly the work of Lucifer.

So, how many members does the Pastoral Medical Association have? Screw you, that's how many. According to the site's awesome FAQ section, "policy prevents the PMA from releasing exact membership numbers, however we can affirm that the PMA family is many many thousands, growing at an average rate of over 3,000 new members monthly." At that rate, it's only a matter of time before we're all members.

And in case you're wondering if a PMA license is "recognized," the answer is a resounding yes. See, "because of the nature of PMA license it has a very solid legal basis in all U.S. states and is also respected in a large number of other countries. The PMA is a well organized private ecclesiastical association operating in according with U.S. Constitutional provisions and overwhelming Supreme Court precedence."

That's good enough for us. The next time we feel a cold coming on, or lupus, we'll eschew science and reach for the PMA directory and our comprehensive wellness quart. 
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Contributor Craig Malisow covers crooks, quacks, animal abusers, elected officials, and other assorted people for the Houston Press.
Contact: Craig Malisow