People everywhere with not much going on in their lives are all atwitter over the news that a DC Comics superhero is coming out of the supercloset in June. That's right: Someone who wears skin-tight clothing and very likely a cape will reveal to a stunned world that they are, in fact, gay. But who will it be? DC Comics is playing coy, so right now all anyone can do is speculate. Here are our top six candidates. (Illustrations by Monica Fuentes)6. Aquaman
As you can see from this picture, DC has been dropping hints all along; here, the friend of fish (and apparently of Dorothy) is proudly signing the "Y" from the Village People's "YMCA." The A-man has perhaps been unjustly brushed off by the general public, who tend to think he just breast-strokes around, talking to sea anemones and vaguely "defending" the oceans. However, Aquaman can survive on land for long periods, and he's also stronger on land, as he's used to all the resistance from water. Maybe recasting Aquaman as Aqueerman is also a shrewd way of giving props to a superhero who's powerful but who just needs a little more hydration than the average Joe.5. Green Lantern
This is straight from DC Comics' bio: "Imagine if the ring on your finger was more than a piece of gaudy jewelry. Instead, it's the universe's most powerful weapon." Oh, really? A ring, you say? Perhaps the ring is more than the source of Green Lantern's power, but is a wedding ring he wears as a show of defiance to California's Prop 8, and of a sign of love and commitment to a husband who might not be a superhero but who's still special in his own way.4. Wonder Woman
Maybe DC's spokeswoman was throwing reporters a curveball when she said that a major superhero will announce that "he" is gay. Maybe it will turn out to be golden lasso-twirling, raven-haired beauty Double-W. Many people may not realize that Wonder Woman's back story involved her being the princess of an island inhabited by Amazons, which is pretty much like being a power forward in the WNBA. Wonder Woman has it all -- strength, cunning, a fabulous tiara -- and pervy dudes everywhere would surely love a story arc involving a Wonder Woman-Batwoman-Supergirl love triangle.3. Robin
Everyone already knows Robin is gay -- everyone, it seems, except for Robin. It seems like creators Bob Kane and Bill Finger were actually going out of their way to saddle him with stereotypes while at the same time making poor Robin oblivious to the fact that he was the butt of their insensitive hijinks.
For one thing, he's named after a fucking bird, and it doesn't even bother him. And it's not even a tough bird, like an eagle. Frankly, it's amazing Kane and Finger didn't name him "Swallow." Moreover, he was given an orange waistcoat accented by a yellow cape and made subservient to a far cooler character. Maybe by having the Boy Wonder wonder no more, he'll tell Batman -- and everyone else -- to kiss his ass and rightfully grab his place in the first tier of superhero-dom.2. The Flash
What does The Flash do, really? He runs fast. Oh boy. He could just as easily be called The Superfluous. Which is maybe why it will turn out that DC Comics decided to flesh him out and add more depth by giving him the gay. Then he'll not just be the guy who runs fast; he'll be the guy who runs fast and is gay.1. Superman
Really, the way to make the most impact would be for DC to announce that the most famous superhero in history is gay. Even non-comic book nerds would sit up and take notice. Imagine it: After he reverses the Earth's polar axis or stops Lex Luthor from blowing up Metropolis for the zillionth time, The Man of Steel just comes out and says, "Y'all know I've been gay this entire time, right? Anyone have a problem with that? 'Cause if so, I could just go back in the closet and let some jerk-off blow up the city with some mega-laser-atom-bomb doohickey. Otherwise, deal with it." But we're pretty sure such a thing would be filed in the "Things That Would Never Happen" category.
Did we miss any good candidates? Let's see your picks.
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