Those who “want to believe” that extraterrestrials have interacted with human beings are doubtless familiar with J. Allen Hynek’s three classifications of “close encounters.” You’re probably also familiar with Jacques Vallee’s addition of “the fourth kind” which, according to Vallee, refers to actual abduction by aliens.
Coincidentally, it’s also the subject of the new movie The Fourth Kind, and the Houston Press has some advanced screening passes to give away. Win a pair of passes by being among the first 20 people to e-mail hairballscontest@houstonpress.com; put The Fourth Kind in the subject line.
Because our minds tend towards one direction, we got to thinking about the kind of alien we actually wouldn’t mind being abducted (and — one assumes — probed) by. The following, from classic (and not to classic) sci-fi movies, topped the list.
5. Oola (Femi Taylor) — Return of the Jedi (1983)
When comparing the relative hotness of the doomed Twi’lek dancer and Slave Leia from the same movie, consider this: Oola was fed to the rancor because she resisted Jabba’s slimy advances. Leia (who, admittedly, killed him in the end) showed distaste but was kept alive a lot longer. The conclusion? Leia slept with Jabba, and I don’t care how forgiving you are, having a Hutt on your “list” is a deal-breaker. Advantage: Oola.
4. Ursa (Sarah Douglas) — Superman II (1980)
For some of us, mere abduction isn’t enough; we need complete and utter
domination at the hands of our invaders, and Ursa would fit that role
quite nicely. Call it an unfortunate mental disorder, call it a
lifestyle choice, whatever. I’d still shatter her Phantom Zone.
3. Sil (Natasha Henstridge) — Species (1995)
As the
poet Virgil said, “Beware aliens bearing instructions on how to splice
their DNA into ours,” or words to that effect. He might also have said,
“When assembling a team to capture the resulting alien/human hybrid
that wants to sex up its victims before killing them, try not toย employ
guys who haven’t been laid in three years.”
2. Princess Aura (Ornella Muti) — Flash Gordon (1980)
The
upside is, she’s a princess, so assuming Ming lets you live, you’d be
sitting pretty with a nice little fiefdom of your own. Or you may get
the bore worms. Either way, Aura strikes as a woman with the type of
moral flexibility that would make it worthwhile.
1. “Space Girl” (Mathilda May) — Lifeforce (1985)
I
couldn’t name another movie starring May, but her spending this entire
movie nude goes a long way towards making me not care. And I think we
can all agree that if the aliens in Independence Day had taken the form of hot, naked chicks when they landed, conquest of
the earth would’ve been a lot easier. And it would’ve spared us that
whole “Macintosh virus” thing.
This article appears in Oct 22-28, 2009.
