As if Texas A&M, with Johnny Manziel, the move to the SEC and the first real winning team in forever, weren't insufferable enough, now comes word that the world's largest (inactive) volcano has been named Tamu Massif (massif is the French word for "massive," which must thrill Aggies, to know the stinking French got their hands on the name of their volcano, too). The volcano, a dormant undersea mountain, is the size of New Mexico and was named by William Sager, the man who discovered it and a former faculty member at the university for 29 years -- he's now at the University of Houston (scoreboard Coogs!).
They believe it may rival in size giant volcanos found on Mars, and it's thought to be 145 million years old. It has been inactive since only a few million years after it was formed. While it is not particularly high, it is extremely wide. Fortunately, unlike Johnny Football popping a champagne bottle with co-eds on a Saturday night, there is no chance this one will explode.
It got me to thinking, if other universities had geographic formations named after them, what kinds of landmarks would be appropriate?
University of Texas -- Mount Bevo
I'll give you all a few moments to snicker over the name...go ahead...
Since Austin is so fond of talking about its topography, with places like Mount Bonnell, this seems most likely. However, Mount Bevo (heh-heh) would look more like a foothill and would be littered with insufferable hikers yammering on about sustainable energy and eating granola bars.
Baylor University -- Lake Jesus Bear
Lake Waco would be renamed and would have two names: one for the university and one for Jesus, naturally. Much like the university, Lake Jesus Bear is pristine and untouched on the surface, but it hides a dirty little secret. Underneath the crystal clear water lies a town long ago engulfed by the water. So, just like Baylor student life, it may look lovely and wholesome, but it's really a filthy, dirty mess.
Texas Tech University -- Raider Desert
It's flat, barren and really hot, but it occasionally plays host to tornados. As much as it tries to be impressive, only a small handful of scientists find it interesting and the rest of the world tries as quickly as possible just to get through it and move on to more interesting scenery.
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Rice University -- Owl Forest
It's one of the most fascinating cropping of trees in Texas. It's very small, but extremely well respected among scientists who flock to it just to learn more about its inner workings. The trees are all a variety of odd shapes and sizes with almost a casual indifference to the outside world making them utterly fascinating to anyone who walks among them...or around them in a three-mile circle.
University of Houston -- Cougar Plains
The wetlands are the last foothold of nature in an urban jungle. Scientists remind us that Cougar Plains is a critical part of our ecosystem, but it will never be as interesting as Owl Forest or as big as Mount Bevo, making it seem inferior even if it isn't. Also, it has vicious attack squirrels that populate it, which makes crossing it on foot nearly impossible, unless you are willing to hand over your potato chips.