As part of my radio job, I speak for a handful of sponsors. When identifying products or services for me to endorse, the sales staff at our station starts with the question "Is this something Sean would use?" Naturally, my suite of endorsees is heavy in sports bars -- food, alcohol, yeah I seeingly endorse roughly 500 sports bars in town.
I also endorse an excellent DWI defense attorney named Gary Trichter, which I guess means our sales staff thinks I drive around town blitzkrieged out of my gourd every night. (Just kidding, guys.) At any rate, recently after another Gary Kubiak "it's on me"-fest, I did a live read for Gary Trichter and called him "Gary Kubiak" throughout the spot.
So basically if you were listening to the station at that time, you'd think that Gary Kubiak was spending his free time making sure that people's rights were enforced in DWI cases. Fortunately, it was one of those faux pas that turned into good radio, with the listeners sending in tweets and texts of what Kubiak would sound like in court defending a person arrested for DWI.
"That's on me, judge. I just got to get the kid coached up to drive better, and to try not to drink so much when he drives. He was so close to making it home, he drove well for 59 minutes and 40 seconds, but those last 20 seconds where he took out a mailbox and crashed into an IHOP did us in. We're gonna go back and look at the film, it's my job to fix it, judge."
That was just the tip of the iceberg. Go ahead and mad lib any Gary Kubiak empty, press conference rhetoric and fill in DWI words and phrases, and go ahead and assume we received it from someone that day.
It begged the question, what would be Gary Trichter's "Jacksonville and New York Jets back to back" scenario -- the most cataclysmic DWI arrest-fest, defying all odds and shattering previous depths of DWI chicanery.
Well, I found it. Enter Robert Pangaro.
Pangaro is your run-of-the-mill, 39 year old upstate New Yorkian (Onondaga County, if you're looking for somewhere to steer clear of). During the second week of this calendar year, he put together a herculean effort in the category of "endangering society." He was arrested for DWI not once, not twice, but THREE times.
January 7, his Andre Johnson knee bone interception.
January 8, his Garrard to Thomas Hail Mary.
And finally, January 13, his 72 yards in 45 seconds in the Meadowlands.
Three DWI arrests in three days, a true Hall of Fame effort. Unimpressed by Pangaro's inebriated driving prowess (or lack thereof), Judge Fahey in Onondaga County decided it was time to send Pangaro away...
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"He's the kind of person who gives me nightmares," Fahey said. If he showed Pangaro mercy and he got into further trouble, Fahey said. "Who's going to be responsible? Not him. Probably me."
Easily, the most improbable part of the trifecta are the DWI arrests on back to back days. I've never been through the DWI arrest process, but I'm assuming that you would have to be sprung from jail, and immediately start drinking again or still be so shitfaced from the night before that you still blow above the legal limit. That's amazing, clearly the Dreessen fumble/Smith offsides/Garrard Hail Mary sequence of the DWI greatness that is Pangaro.
So as we head to the most active driving weekend of the year, just know that the roads got a little bit safer today. And if you're a Texans fan, just know that your week was way better than Robert Pangaro's. Something to be thankful for.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 PM weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.