WrestleMania: A Beginner's Guide

Gonna be upfront here: I don't get the whole pro-wrestling thing. Never did.

I grew up in New Jersey, where every pizzeria had a glossy shot of Bruno Sammartino on the walls, but it just never took.

With that in mind, here is my analysis of the matches in the upcoming WrestleMania 25, which is the single biggest event to happen in Houston since ever.

All info is taken from the official website, so you know it's good.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton

: Contrary to what I initially believed, this is not a fight between Hubert Horatio Humphrey and the ever-horny British playwright Joe Orton. First lesson learned.

I'm guessing Triple H is the gentleman on the left, and frankly, he's looking a little grizzled. And the snakeskin-cape thing over the shoulder, while a bold fashion choice, doesn't work at all. Or maybe that's a championship belt. Worn over the shoulder, for some reason.

There is bad blood between these two, the site says:

No words needed to be spoken. No blows exchanged.

Everything - all the shock, the pain, the suppressed rage - everything was written deeply into the lines on their faces. An incensed Triple H knelt beside the limp body of his wife, Stephanie McMahon, and locked eyes with Randy Orton, the man who, moments earlier, had rendered his beloved unconscious with an RKO and slithered from the ring. It was in that white-hot moment that both men recognized that a line had been crossed, that matters between them were now far too personal to ever be the same again.

"The man who, moments earlier, had rendered his beloved unconscious with an RKO." Shakespeare, you fraud, you have been bested.

Edge vs. John Cena vs. Big Show:  The Edge, as he has since the days of the October album, wears a hat. This plucky Irish guitarist is 47 years old, though, so his glory wrestling days just may be behind him. Also, he appears to be throwing down the worst gang sign since your Dad tried to be hip that one time. John Cena sounds like some `80s heartthrob who has a show on the WB and a boouncy pop single about holding out for marriage, which doesn't sound too intimidating. Plus, he appears to be starring in a swords-and-sandals Gladiator knock-off. My first rule of wrestling: Always pick the fat guy wearing what we call in New Jersey the guinea-t-shirt.

Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy (Extreme Rules Match): These plucky Hardy Boys will solve a really stupid mystery as part of their act, right?

Apparently not. Again we look to the authoritative WWE website:

Matt Hardy may have opened a wound that can never be closed. And now that Jeff has agreed to face his estranged brother at WrestleMania, it remains to be seen whether Houston's Reliant Station is reinforced enough to contain the firestorm that will be unleashed.

We're not sure what "Reliant Station" is, but we're pretty sure it will be reinforced enough to contain the firestorm.

WWE Tag Team Champions vs. World Team Tag Champions: The Village People are playing WrestleMania? Wouldn't have thought that was the target demographic, but we guess it's true that "YMCA" knows no boundaries.

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