Yes, Anastasia, You Too Can Cyber Land a Job in a Recession

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Pardon us, but we're about to impart some useful, seasoned knowledge on you. Don't get too accustomed to it, however. We'll return to our regularly scheduled programming of a wee bit of technology talk with a whole lot of intertwined innuendo in no time.

But for today, we educate. Our topic? Employment.

If you're job hunting, you've heard nothing but the worn-out notes of a tired chorus over and over again - "It's a recession. You're never going to find a job in a recession." And, well, you're starting to believe the naysayers, aren't you? You've sent out scores of resumes and submitted countless online applications, only to be greeted in a few weeks with form letters thanking you for your interest, but no, you simply don't meet the company's needs at this time.

You're thinking, "Yo, if my truck-drivin' ass wanted to be rejected, I could go mack on stuck-up bitches at the Junior League." Yeah, so needless to say, you feel like you've been sticking your dick into a bottomless vagina without any climactic explosions in sight.

Oh, wait, did we say we were hiatusing from the sexually-charged chatter for today? Whoops. Our bad.

But yeah, so, we call poppycock on all that you-can't-find-a-job-right-now bullshit. Yeah, we said it. Poppycock. Let's throw in some balderdash for good measure as well. It's a recession? Irrelevant.

We, with our big techie brains and all, know a few cyber workarounds that'll put you closer to landing a real-live gig than any resume posted or search conducted on Monster, Indeed, CareerBuilder, or SimplyHired will ever do. But hey, by all means, use those sites first. 'Cause it's entertaining for us to watch you squirm in frustration before you wake up with the desperate realization that UR DOIN IT RONG.

It's all about who you know. Shockingly enough, your friends and acquaintances can't read your mind, dude. If you're looking for employ, you'd better speak up! Work your contacts - through Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and, yes, even through good ol' fashioned email. Be specific about what you want, and if you can't do that, then at least tell them what you're looking for in general. Telling people, "I'm looking for a job, and any job will do" gives them zero direction in which to guide you. And hey, don't forget to attach your resume to all correspondence as well. Make like a sorority chick, and be easily passed around.

Get someone else to do the work for you. With that "someone" being a talented website programmer that already set up the capability to send you email alerts when particular jobs fit your desired location and keywords. Yes, YOU CAN HAVE JOBS SENT DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX. Many, many sites that post job openings have the functionality for custom email alerts already built in - USA Jobs, Higher Education Jobs, yadda yadda. All your lazy ass has to do is invest a little bit of time into setting them up.

Twice but nice. You might know of a little website called Craigslist, albeit for different reasons. We're not here to judge. Whether you actively solicit no strings attached encounters from flight attendants or sell off your Ikea furniture to broke ass college students, you've gotta admit that the site is megauseful (it's a word now, dammit). But didja know that you can milk it for job searches, and even post your resume as well? Oh hells yeah you can! But be smart, and take care to shield your personal information before posting. Social engineering is real, kids, and stalkers are, well, even more local.

The best things in life are free. Not ready to take the plunge and ditch your current steady paycheck? Still trying to figure out what in the hell it is that professionally satiates you? Work for no money. Errr, volunteer, we mean. VolunteerMatch and Idealist are always soliciting your compensation-free efforts. So don't quit your day job, do the feel-good thing, and maybe you'll figure out what really makes your buzzer go in the meantime. No vibrator purchase necessary.

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Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.