You, Too, Can Be a Successful Cyberstalker!

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In the age of Brightkite, transparency and TMI, anyone can wrangle and fulfill his or her aspirations of becoming a stalker. Just showing up in the right uniform to the game of life can freak plenty of people out, depending on what's hanging out or strapped onto your person.

But everybody knows that the real brass ring of the stalkership circle lies in cyberstalking. Scaring the unborn children out of someone from behind the protective gaze of an inanimate object that responds to your every whim? That'll getcha a fast pass into the Psychotic Hall of Fame, ladies and gentlemen.

'Course, like the skillful honing of any craft, you must truly commit yourself to prowling and pouncing online, and doing it, doing it, and doing it well. With Social Distortion being so fluent in the language of the interwebs, you ought to grab a pen and a pad of paper to take some notes here, folks. We'll take the guesswork outta being creeptastic, so you can get right to terrorizing your victims.

Treat your personal brand like gold. Remember Home Alone and, specifically, The Wet Bandits? They always left the water running at every house they burglarized. 'Twas, in essence, their calling card. So, what's your calling card? Insults to the person's weight? Copious amounts of compliments? Flat-out threats to personal safety? Pick your poison, watch it seep, and keep your stalker branding intact. Look at you, being all social media buzzword while you ruin lives and shit. You go!

Don't stop 'til you get enough. Simply saying, "You're really pretty" or "Your ass is bigger than Simon Cowell's ego" isn't enough. Your strategy? You must function for the sole purpose of eliciting a response. You must do whatever it takes. Poke, prod, and obnoxify (yeah, it's a word now) any and all interaction with your subject. And when you start receiving angry emails or tweets in response, turn it on overdrive.

Employ a full-court press. So your stalkee has the reactionary willpower of a castrated Muslim virgin. Good thing for you, you're not finished yet. When wheedling doesn't work, infiltrate his or her personal space anywhere and everywhere you can online. Send messages via Facebook. Leave comments on his or her blog. Reply to your target on Twitter. Email, email, email. Hell, create a Facebook Fan Page or website dedicated to the object of your obsession. Yes, we're saying be the deranged and fucked up equivalent of Beyonce.

Go vintage. Successful cyberstalkers know that all serious online work must be supplemented by 3-D interaction. So, take your efforts offline, for Charles Manson's sake! Be creepily visible (yet not the center of attention) at festivals, public speaking engagements, art exhibit openings, even impromptu coffeehouse gatherings. The outskirts of events have your name all over 'em. Lurk, hover, shadow surf. Make people as uncomfortable in your presence as possible. Bonus points if you can see 'em squirm.

Be the stuff nightmares are made of. Now look. If you're gonna talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk. Ain't no pansy ass Seth Rogen look alike gonna instill panic in any hearts, that's for sure. You gotta seduce fear, fool. You gotta be fear. Every move you make online should be ominous, foreboding, vague, and ambiguous, from blog posts to photos of yourself to everything in between. Scary's the name of the game, kids, and sheer terror's the way to win it.

Always stay true to yourself. Yo, you earned your stalker status fair and square. Own up to your stalkerhood! If you're not using your real name to hunt your prey at all times, you're betraying your trade. And if you learned anything from Ziggy Marley (aside from how to rip a killer bong hit), you can't make anyone crappy unless you are.

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Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.