Six years ago this week, three dudes we're totally not jealous of registered the domain name www.Youtube.com. A little over a year later, Google bought the site for $1.65 billion.
Sure, that totally makes sense now, but when Hair Balls decided to travel all the way back to 2005 to see what people were uploading, we wanted to jam shrimp forks into our eyes. We're sure it's possible we missed a real gem or two, but after hundreds of hours (okay, one hour) of trolling for 2005 videos, we're convinced that, for the first six months of its existence, YouTube was utilized primarily by 17-year-old girls giggling uncontrollably in their bedrooms.
We tried to limit those vids, so here, now, are the most tolerable entries from YouTube's first year:
8. Converse Hands Man Perhaps we're simple, but we really lost it when he tries to open the bag of chips.
7. What the friggin heck What the friggin heck, indeed. We're guessing these girls became pharmaceutical reps and are too busy enjoying their six-figure incomes to ever watch fossilized YouTube videos for a minute, let alone an hour.
6. Kangaroo Court We were so relieved when, after 45 minutes of finding neither animals nor masturbation, we found them both in one single video!
5. Crazy Lady We're not exactly sure why this hulking banshee screams, "What's your name and number, Norma Kaye?!" Our first thought was that she meant to say "Norma Raye," the titular character in the epic Sally Field textile worker drama. Our second thought was, "Ah, she's just fucking crazy."
4. It's Melinda This could've used a masturbating kangaroo.
3. Kid Sings "New York, New York" We're not sure if this was a wedding, a bar mitzvah, or a reunion, but it would've quickly turned into a funeral if we had to be there.
2. Lake K-Mart We were wondering in which state this flooded K-Mart parking lot was filmed until one of the off-screen narrators yells, "I got ten bucks on the Dawdge!"
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1. Chillin' in the Laundry Room This guy is really good with a soccer ball.
Happy Birthday, YouTube!