Zapruder Analysis of Chad Johnson's Courtroom Ass Slap (w/ VIDEO)

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I don't care how funny you think you are, there are just certain times and places you don't joke around.

At or near the top of the list of places that you should back-burner any playfulness or boyish antics is when a judge is in the process of going easy on you for violation of your probation in a domestic abuse case (a female judge, no less!). Who hasn't been there before? Am I right, guys?...Huh?...Right?

Anyway, at that point, awaiting leniency, there are four words that should be in your vocabulary:

Yes. No. Thank you.

That's it.

Of all the people to have to try and keep their vocabulary to four words and quell the desire for "antics," Chad Johnson is perhaps the least equipped human being. Like least equipped out of everybody. Like, out of the whole human race. So when it came time to just accept a plea bargain and be on his way, the "soon-to-be jailbird formerly known as Ochocinco" couldn't help himself.

Here is the incredible video footage live from the courtroom:

Let's get to the Zapruder for this, it shouldn't take long...

There are only a few cast members of this video that you need to know:

CHAD JOHNSON, Former NFL receiver and soon to be bunkmate for The Sisters ADAM SWICKLE, Johnson's attorney KATHLEEN MCHUGH, Broward County circuit judge SECURITY GUARDS, as themselves 0:08 -- McHugh is very up front, reminding Johnson that violating his probation carries with it a maximum sentence of up to a year in prison. Asked if he understands that, Johnson quietly mumbles, "Yes ma'am." So far, so good. (NOTE: "Ma'am" is an appropriate word to add to the "acceptable words" list, as long as the judge is female. So "Yes, no, ma'am/sir, thank you"...that's the list.)

0:15 -- We get our first look at Judge McHugh, and I'd describe her as "ever so slightly MILF-y with a decent chance that she has some leather or softcore weapons in her closet." (I know, long description, but this blog is one place where it's okay to actually use more than four words, so I'm gonna take advantage!)

0:18 -- McHugh lists out the amendments to Johnson's probation: an additional three months of probation, a couple of counseling sessions per week and 25 hours of community service, very doable, it would seem, what with Johnson having plenty of free time between now and his new probation end date of December 21.

0:43 -- Asked if he's cool with the revised punishment, Johnson says, "Yes ma'am." Keepin' it together, Ocho! Impressive. Now if you can just make it through the final words from the judge...

0:46 -- Asked if he's satisfied with the assistance of his attorney, Johnson answers, "He's awesome." Oh dear, "awesome" isn't on that courtroom word list. You can start to see smoke developing from the Ocho-undercarriage...

0:52 -- McHugh points out that Johnson should be happy with Swickle's services, that he's an excellent attorney. Plumes of immature smoke are now billowing from underneath the hood of the Ochomobile.....

0:55 -- Ass slap. Laughter. Lots of laughter. Oh no.

1:05 -- McHugh goes from zero to bitch in about six tenths of a second, and tells Johnson that she saw him slap Swickle on the backside. (I'm not gonna lie, McHugh goes from a 4.3 on the MILF-y scale to about a 5.1 with the mere mention of the "slap on the backside." She's still very average, but I think she has a side...)

1:13 -- McHugh (to Johnson): "Is there something funny about what's going on here today?"

1:15 -- Use your words, Chad. Just use your words. Just say, "No ma'am...." You can still get out of this...

1:16 -- Johnson: "I didn't laugh..." (Oh dear, Chad. Three words not on the list. Somebody tackle him. He's much easier to tackle these days.) "...so no ma'am." Yeah, should've stuck with those two words.

1:20 -- About seven seconds too late, Swickle jumps in to try and articulate to McHugh exactly why Chad Johnson was acting like Chad Johnson. Unfortunately, this is a topic that requires a team of psychiatrists, a 100-slide PowerPoint presentation and about four more hours. McHugh is giving Swickle about four seconds.

1:34 -- McHugh says "slapped you on the behind" again with a resignation in her voice that seems to indicate part of her wanted to slap Swickle on the behind herself.

1:39 -- Swickle is backpedaling and spinning and is in the worst possible position you can be in for maybe any argument: having to argue that Chad Johnson wasn't acting out of an irrational need for attention. I think you could assign ten Harvard law school valedictorians to try to argue this and Johnson would still wind up going to jail.

1:40 -- McHugh: "I'm not gonna accept this plea agreement."

1:41 -- Swickle (in his brain): "All righty then."

1:50 -- McHugh, in full-on humorless bitch mode at this point, screams that "everyone in the courtroom was laughing." Does she not realize that it was just Chad being Chad?

(Just know that if you're an athlete, and you've arrived at the "[Your name] being [Your name]" stage, society is pretty much fed up with your bullshit. And in an odd way, Judge McHugh was speaking on behalf of society. Also, on behalf of Paul Tagliabue, who probably watched this video and cracked open a bottle of "special occasion" scotch.)

2:05 -- McHugh slaps Johnson with a 30-day sentence in Broward County jail with the ease with which Johnson slapped his attorney on the buttocks. I don't know what Ocho's living situation is these days, but I'm guessing it's nicer than county jail.

2:14 -- McHugh lays out the appeal and attorney rules, and then issues an obligatory "Good luck, sir" to Johnson.

2:17 -- Johnson: "Thank you."

Man, NOW Ocho sticks to the five magic words.

Too little, too late.

A perpetual attention whore executing the worst heat check ever just ran into an overzealous judge looking to make an example of somebody.

Bad combo.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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