We are in that time of the calendar year where I need to issue the usual round of beach-related warnings:
Make sure you pack plenty of sunscreen, and if you are fair skinned, apply it liberally.
Make sure to be wary of great white sharks, especially if you are going to beaches on the west coast, where apparently the sharks are making a comeback.
Make sure you don't drink too much alcohol in the sun. Dehydration is a bitch!
And finally, make sure to avoid confrontation with meathead, douche bag bullies. Or at least if you do end up dealing with them, make sure you have a bad ass old man with you to punch the guy's lights out.
What am I talking about? Well, this....
WHOA! Chalk one up for the AARP crowd, right?
Let's break down this whole situation Zapruder style, because sometimes an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Is there any way this ugly situation could have been avoided? Let's take a look....
0:02 -- Ok. first off, total amateur move on the cinematography here. Shooting extended iPhone footage in the vertical positioning is just inexcusable. It's like we're leering at this fight from inside a makeshift closet on the beach somewhere, like we're voyeurs. I feel like a perv watching this! Negative twelve Shrute bucks for you, cameraman (or woman)!
0:03 -- But we can see the scene well enough to watch the sides form. And it's basically one big meathead douche bag (whom for our purposes we will call "Vinny Anunziato"), one older man who appears to be somewhat fit (we will call him as generic and milquetoast a name as we can think of, call him "Tom Smith"), and a gaggle of what appear to be very offended women. Vinny has done something to piss them off. But what? Let's find out more...
0:04 -- The women appear to want to get physical with Vinny (not the good kind of physical either), and he thankfully doesn't haul off and punch any of them (because a stupid act like that was definitely a possibility for a brain as small as the Vin Man's).
0:08 -- In jogs somebody who from behind appears to be the most awkward, long haired woman ever, or a man with the most glorious mullet of 2014. He (she?) is having none of Vinny's shenanigans either.
0:20 -- The group of women are reaching "angry mob" stages now, and I think I heard one of them ask where her friend put the torches and pitchforks. They want a piece of Vinny Anunziato, and they want it bad.
0:27 -- Thankfully, ladies and gentlemen, there exists a Tom Smith. Tom Smith is about negotiation, about two sides finding a common ground and arriving at a conclusion that satisfies each side. It's what he does. He is stepping in and handling the situation. Vinny will listen to Tom's measured reason....
0:41 -- ...or Vinny will get into "READY" fighting position (up to and including the grabbing of his crotch, multiple times.)
0:42 -- Negotiation didn't go well.
0:44 -- Now, the ladies are stepping in and wanting to throw down with Vinny again (and again, not the good kind), but Tom's got this.
0:45 -- SIDE BAR: Vertical mode is annoying, I just want to repeat that for all of you budding amateur video producers. Landscape, kids. It's all about the landscape. END SIDE BAR.
1:05 -- Tom is calmly trying to find out what makes Vinny tick. This is almost like one of those old ABC after school specials where it turns out Vinny grew up in an abusive house and Tom is the only one who realizes that this scene is just Vinny's lashing out, and what's pissing Vinny off is not really the gaggle of women as much as it is "Vinny's old man flicking lit cigarettes at him back in the day." Tom sees the good in Vinny, and he just wants Vinny to see it's not all his fault....
1:06 -- ....yeah, I've watched the "It's not your fault" scene in Good Will Hunting (LINK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtkST5-ZFHw) a few too many times. Sue me.
1:21 -- Vinny crouches, and looks at one of his boys off camera, points at Tom and says "Yo, I'm gonna knock this old ass dude out, bro....I'm FUCKING 25 YEARS OLD..."
1:22 -- Mild upset number one: Vinny can count to 25.
1:23 -- Negotiation isn't working so well. Tom may want to get in "ready" position himself.
1:31 -- Vinny interrupts Tom's continued futile negotiation efforts by screaming that the girls are "all [plural version of a very bad word that begins with a C]," like a wrestling heel telling a booing crowd to "STOP BOOING." The only thing missing is Vinny holding his ears like the boos are hurting his head.
1:40 -- Vinny just called the girls "dykes," which for Vinny is code for "chicks who don't think I'm the shit." In Vinny's mind, if they don't dig him, they must just not like men. Speaking of Vinny's mind, get your condolences ready because he's about to get knocked out of it in a few seconds here...
1:42 -- Vinny takes his first swing at Tom, and immediately it's apparent....Vinny spends a lot more time lifting weights and juicing on roids than he does working on any sort of hand to hand combat. Vinny swings like a dog scratching the back door to go outside.
1:45 -- Vinny gives Tom the "Come on, LET"S GO..." arm gesture and gets into his stance.
1:48 -- Vinny steps toward Tom and, using a defense method that we will label the "Cromartie" for its lack of protection, essentially serves Tom his chin as a target for a punch. And....
1:49 -- Tom obliges....BLAM!!!!
1:50 -- One punch is all it took. Vinny's lights went out, he dropped to the ground, and oddly Tom actually immediately checked on him, almost as if Tom felt he could still wrap up their negotiations.
1:51 -- Mild upset number two: This fight making Ronda Rousey's 16 second mop up job on Saturday look like Balboa-Creed II.
1:52 -- By the way, Tom gets a huge ovation. For a private beach at the end of a long day, this was the equivalent of a "Stone Cold Steve Austin in 1998" level pop from the crowd. They LOVE Tom, and why the hell not?!
1:57 -- One of Vinny's chach buddies comes in from the side to check on him to see if he's dead. How do I know it was one of Vinny's chach buddies? Well, the pony tail up in a bun is the dead giveaway.
2:00 -- Following the "definitely NOT a paramedic" manual, Pony Tail Bun Guy immediately and sloppily moves Vinny, turns him over, and just leaves him there.
2:11 -- In comes another one of Vinny's pals (Fat guy with tattoos? Yes, another lock for Vinny's crew.) and he goes one further -- he just decides to pick Vinny up like he's a mannequin or a really heavy blow-up doll. Because moving an injured person as much as possible seems like the right thing to do.
2:25 -- Now the girls are all walking over and talking shit to Unconscious Vinny, which would normally be bullying, except when you're doing it to an actual bully, it's called "retribution."
2:40 -- A voice comes into camera range and explains that Vinny was doing "Vinny things" (i.e. acting like a douche and spewing profanity like a Redd Foxx record) in front of kids, which means this all should have happened well before this footage. (Actually, these Vinny "preventative measures" all probably should have happened years ago, when Vinny's dad decided not to wear a condom "that one time.")
3:05 -- As the fat dude sits there and holds up Vinny by one arm, like he's the corpse in Weekend at Bernie's, I'm left thinking about the description of Rudy Tomjanovich the night that Kermit Washington nearly took his head off with a punch back in the 70's, when Rudy said he could taste his spinal fluid. Does anyone think to call 9-1-1, or is everyone just cool with letting Vinny possibly die? I'm fine either way, I'm just curious.
3:12 -- Fat dude starts to massage Vinny's neck, and this looks like he may try the old method Adrian Adonis would use to wake up his opponents after he'd knock them out with the sleeper hold back in the day, where he'd rub their neck, and then punch them in between their shoulder blades to "revive" them. That'd be awesome.
3:30 -- Vinny is starting to come to, so it appears he's alive. Yay...
3:48 -- Very last quote we hear, from the videographer... "Hey, this is Facebook!" Yep. 2014, people.
So again, kids, let this serve as your warning: pack sunscreen, look out for sharks, watch your beverage intake, and if a dickhead like Vinny begins to ruin your day, then nip it in the bud.
Knock his ass out.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.