Every year at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, it seems like the food just keeps getting crazier and crazier. Fried Oreos? Pizza on a stick? Zany! And yet somehow it just doesn't go far enough. We thought up some ideas to truly shatter the border between flavor and insanity. With any luck, some of you will be killed by these very ideas as early as next year.
Chicken Fried Fried Chicken "Chicken Fried Chicken," also known as "Country Fried Chicken," seems like a bit of a redundancy, if you don't know the history of the dish. First came fried chicken, which was simply pieces of chicken battered and fried. Next came chicken fried steak, which was your average steak filet, battered and fried just like fried chicken. Well, some enterprising soul decided that there should be a chicken fried steak for people who didn't like steak, so they battered up a boneless chicken breast and voila, the dumbest-sounding choice on the menu. Well, we'd like to combine a couple of steps. We start by frying up the chicken standard-style, bone-in, so you get that moistness and marrow-y goodness. Next, we strip the meat off the bone and stick it in a blender. We form it into patties and freeze 'em. Finally, we take the frozen discs of pink goop out, batter them again, and fry them again. Boom, chicken fried fried chicken. More redundancy means more flavor.
Shit, I think I just invented a big McNugget. Never mind.
Nacho Ferris Wheel Everyone agrees that nachos are delicious, but no one can agree on which kind of dip they prefer. It's the biggest problem facing chip consumers in 2012. Well, worry no longer. You and the rest of your group will love the Nacho Ferris Wheel. It's a Ferris wheel made out of sourdough pretzel with tortilla buckets that house up to eight different kinds of dip. With chile con queso, salsa, salsa verde, mango habanero, bean dip, French onion, and more, it utilizes tried and true Ferris wheel technology to keep the dip buckets upright even as each member of your party rotates the wheel (just don't spin it too fast, God, it makes such a giant mess). Eat the chips and dip, then eat the Ferris wheel itself. It's a carnival of Tex-Mex satisfaction.
Pork 'n' Beans On a Stick "Now wait just a minute," some of you are saying. "How in the heck can you put pork 'n' beans on a stick? It just doesn't make sense!" My friend, this is America. We rolled up our sleeves, put our minds to the test, and invented fried beer. Sure, it sucks, but we didn't invent it to eat it. We invented it just so it would exist. Pork 'n' beans would actually work a little better, we think. It's basically a corn dog full of pork and beans instead of just a wiener. Not that different from bread bowls for your soup, really. Think of it as a trailer park empanada. On a stick. Breakfast Umbrellas Everybody knows it's Rodeo time when the sky starts pissing down rain nonstop. We had a goddamn drought this year, and the waterworks still started right on cue on the very first day of the festivities. Well, now you can be prepared. You can stay dry and catch up on the breakfast you missed in your haste to get out the door so that you'd only sit in parking lot traffic for one hour instead of two. Introducing the Breakfast Umbrella, an umbrella with sausage instead of metal and pancakes for a canopy. It won't telescope, and it probably won't fold very well, so it's really more of a Breakfast Parasol, but the gist remains: it's shelter you can eat. Who likes carrying an umbrella around all day? Nobody. Half the time you simply lose it, and if you don't, you're stuck lugging the damn thing around. No need to worry with the Breakfast Umbrella: you use it when the rains roll in, and when they recede, it's time to chow down 'til there's nothing left. We're told the polluted Houston rain even tastes like bitter, sickly sweet syrup, if your visualization powers are strong enough.
El Churro Loco We start off with an ordinary churro. But! It's filled with vanilla bean ice cream. Also, it's dipped in a chocolate shell. Then, it's drizzled with a caramel-toffee sauce before finally being rolled in crushed pecans. We're not even gonna lie: this one's not even a joke. This one should actually be done.
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Cruel Meat Twinkie A small tube of veal filled with foie gras. It's sadness you can taste!
Deep Fried Bull Head Look, we'll be honest: so far, yes, everything on this list has been pretty realistic and tame. That's why we need to step it up to the next level. We need to let people know "You're in Texas, and you're at the goldang rodeo." We do this with deep fried bull heads. We start with former rodeo bulls who have been long since out to pasture and can no longer stud. Hey, would you want to keep living? We either kill the bull humanely or put it in a bullfighting ring; I still haven't decided yet. (No ordinary bullfighting ring, though. We'd use a much better one, where there are no assistants with swords to weaken the bull and save the matador if things go wrong. No. There's one matador, one cape, one sword, one bull. You think you're tough? Well get in there and prove it by going Mano-A-Toro, señor.) After that's done, the severed bull heads are transported rapidly in a cold-storage truck - and let's hope nothing happens to that truck or that will be the most messed-up looking traffic accident of all time - to the rodeo carnival grounds, where they're deep fried in spiced canola oil and served with a wedge of lime and a packet of Valentina. You eat it by holding it by the horn and gnawing on the face. It's barbacoa, rodeo-style! And yes, they're big enough to share; bull heads have two horns, after all, so feel free to offer one to your sweetheart. You'll probably need them to help you tote it around, anyway. You'll be the very picture of classic Americana, except instead of a malt with two straws, it's a deep fried bull head. Yum!