A Clusterfucken of Turducken, with Seafood, Lots of Bacon & Some Peeps

At this point in our meaningless lives, we should all know about the monstrosity that is a turducken; I mean, the thing is over 30 now, for Christ's sake, get with it. If you haven't been living on this planet, welcome! it's a turkey (tur) stuffed with a duck (duc) stuffed with a chicken (ken), because that's a completely normal thing to do and we are not at all gluttonous monsters.

But since in the end we are all gluttonous monsters, we have taken it a step further. Taking inspiration from the OG (the turducken, of course), together we have brought forth a new era of foodkind with a mutant species that I have dubbed "The Whathefuckens." As in, whathefucken is wrong with you people?

So here we have it, folks, our top five Whathefuckens (insert facepalm here):

5. Turbaconducken -- Because a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey is not enough, right? No, it's not. Let's wrap it in fat! Bacon fat! Yeeeeeha! This is definitely the least creative on the list, but we needed to start somewhere. Plus, I just want to take it nice and slow...just like Usher in his prime, ya hurd.

4. The Easter Turducken -- This, my friends, is the glorious union of everyone's favorite Easter candies. Take the beloved Cadbury cream egg, stuff it into the butt of an adored Peep and then stuff that into a giant hollowed chocolate bunny with the bottom removed. If you're feeling crazy, go ahead and re-melt the seam with a torch à la crème brûlée. Go deserve it.

3. Seafood Turducken -- I'll never understand how this ended up on a Men's Health blog, but I'm glad it did. The geniuses over at Guy Gourmet brought us the "Lobflourabimp," a.k.a. the "Shricraflouster" (note to editors: new name needed). It's basically a crab cake mixture stuffed inside flounder and shoved into lobster. Why not take it a step further and top it with shrimp-stuffed scallops or a spicy tuna roll? Is it bad that that sounds delicious? Thanks, Men's Health.

2. The Capownie -- CA(ke) + P(ie) + (br)OWNIE = God, are you there, God? It's me, Brooke, and I need an ambulance...stat. The inventor of this gut-buster bakes a brownie into a pecan pie, stuffs it inside a chocolate cake and tops it with a vanilla cake stuffed with an apple pie stuffed with a cheesecake. Then, she covers the entire thing in caramel buttercream. Yes. This has actually happened...more than once. The turducken of desserts took this blogger years to dream up and perfect, but we think she nailed it.

1.TurBaconEpic Thanksgiving -- Have you seen the Epic Meal Time guys yet? You know, the bros who wear the bacon T-shirts and make bacon weaves and stuff their faces full of bacon-gorged meat, all while chugging Jack Daniel's straight from the bottle like it's their job (wait, I think this really is their job...WTF).

Well, they've reached a new low. And this is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life. And also, how are they still alive? I really don't even want to describe the TurBacon Epic Thanksgiving...I almost want to make you cringe through the video as I did, but I'll give you the heads up because I like you. These animals (I just cannot accept that they are of the human kind) stuff a bird...inside a bird...inside a bird...inside a bird...inside a bird...inside a pig. No, really, they make a bacon croissant stuffing and "meat glue" from bacon and veal pork sausage...and then stuff that into a quail...which they stuff into a Cornish hen...which they stuff into a four-pound chicken...which is then stuffed into a six-pound duck...and then into an eight-pound turkey...and finally, into a 20-pound pig. Picture that with more "meat glue" and bacon strips added along the way.

But wait! Next, they sew it all up Buffalo Bill-style before cutting it open, surrounding the platter with baconators and stuffing it all into their disgusting faces while creepy music plays in the background. It's really like something out of a horror movie. ("It puts the lotion on its skin...")

You'll have to see it for yourself to believe it...and I'm sorry.

Oh, and did I mention these guys have almost 2.5 million YouTube subscribers and more than 375 million views on their channel? Whathefucken!

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Brooke Viggiano is a contributing writer who is always looking to share Houston's coolest and tastiest happenings with the Houston Press readers.
Contact: Brooke Viggiano