Fast Times

A Ransom Note to All Major Fast Food Chains

Scene: KFC International Food Testing HQ

"So what you're telling me, Colonel, is that I can only get these creamy, delicious, bacon and herb stuffed taters...when I go to Japan? Japan!! Is that what you're telling me!??!

Cue sound effects: multiple explosions followed by a quick sword fight and the screech of a vehicle.

A masked girl in black leaves the HQ on a moped. Colonel Sanders is tied up on the back.

Cue montage of masked girl traveling the world on her moped, kidnapping fast food chain mascots using only her incredible intelligence and a sword. Note: montage set to the tune of Knight Rider theme song.

End scene.

To All Major Fast Food Restaurant Chains Around the World:

We have taken your precious clowns, kings and freckly, redheaded mascots hostage. Give us what we want, and we will return them to you unharmed.

The Ransom: Your Greatest International Menu Items. The following are our terms:

1. All KFC menus are to include a non-limited-edition version of the sour cream, bacon and herb stuffed Bacon Potato Fritters that are currently available in Japan.

As for the Cheese Top Burger offered in the Philippines, which seems to be a chicken sandwich with the cheese actually on top of the bun, we just want to know why.

2. The Austria-tested McNoodles are to be available for a limited time at all locations, i.e., just long enough for us to get to the nearest Mickey D's to give them a taste and probably never go back for them again because really, we're just curious and although the noodles are shipped directly from Thailand, surely we can get way better noodles nearly anywhere in town rather than at McDonald's.

Also, we'd like to try Hong Kong's McWings, preferably at 3 a.m.

3. A single box of Pizza Hut's three-plus-foot-long pizza, dubbed "The Plank," is to be shipped directly to the home of the author solely so she can Instagram a picture of herself planking in front of it.

The Cone Pizza, with cream-cheese-and-honey-mustard-chicken-filled cones surrounding the pie, is to stay put for the time being.

...and we'll let you know about the crabstick-and-shrimp-topped, cheesy-dough-bite-crusted Golden Fortune; this is to be revisited and determined by our sobriety.

4. Domino's is to make available the La Savoyarde pie from France, both for its elegant name and for the fact that it's topped with bacon, potatoes, Reblochon cheese and crème fraîche (but mostly because we just like saying crème fraîche).

5. The King is to make available BK Canada's Poutine at all times and in all locations everywhere in the entire world and probably even on the International Space Station. Because really, French fries and cheese curd and gravy should never ever ever be apart.

This is to be the King's number one priority -- even over using his mask to creep out the children on Halloween.

6. Wendy's Corporate headquarters is to conduct a séance, summoning the late Dave Thomas (RIP) from the grave to scare all independently owned locations into featuring the Ocean Premium line of Lobster Burgers, currently only available in Japan. Again, this is mostly out of curiosity and because the author has no planned trips to Japan at the time of publication.

7. We've also heard rumors of a Green Tea Blizzard from Dairy Queen, but have been unable to reach kidnap any of their spokesmen for ransom at the time. If someone could just get back to us on this.

Cooperate or the Colonel gets it.

Kindly, The World

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Brooke Viggiano is a contributing writer who is always looking to share Houston's coolest and tastiest happenings with the Houston Press readers.
Contact: Brooke Viggiano