Alternative Names for Eva Longoria and Tilman Fertitta's "Female-Oriented" Steakhouse

This afternoon, CultureMap announced that Houston restaurant kingpin Tilman Fertitta would be teaming up with Eva Longoria and Morton's to create a Las Vegas steakhouse that will "create a feeling of empowerment, especially for female guests."

SHe -- yes, that's the name; no, there's not a typo there -- will be, according to a press release, "an updated interpretation of the gilded age when wealth and excessive opulence ruled America's upper-class." And along with the sense of magical female empowerment that you'll feel by dining at a steakhouse that reminds you of how utterly depressing The Great Gatsby was (Daisy Buchanan makes such an excellent female role model, too), SHe is offering other magical things that women apparently love in a dining experience, reports Sarah Rufca:

Female-friendly details include a fashion show runway, a DJ booth and tiered dining downstairs, in which all tables will face a central dance floor that will feature entertainment in five-minute vignettes. Upstairs the clubbier portion of SHe will have rain curtains, cryogenic fog and "seductive female performers." You know, empowerment!

Honestly, though, I think the real problem with SHe isn't the fact that steak is -- apparently -- an inherently male foodstuff. And I don't think the problem is that most steakhouses are far too frighteningly masculine in nature or decor and don't offer that important feeling of "empowerment" while you eat in their oppressively patriarchal dining rooms.

No, the problem with SHe is that god-awful name. Ladies, here are my own suggestions for Fertitta and Longoria's vag-oriented steakhouse -- a steakhouse that will be so estrogen-powered, fucking glittery pink kittens are going to shoot out of the cryogenic fog at you while you eat.

Alternative Names for Eva Longoria and Tilman Fertitta's
"Female-Oriented" Steakhouse:

Legitimate Steak

Here, Let Me Cut That For You

The Gloria Steinem Bar & Grrrrrl

The Red Tent VIP Steaklounge

Take Back the Knife

Meat Curtains

Fashion Pretty Music Loud Woooo!

I Waxed My Vagina For This?

Gender-Neutral Dining Rooms Full of People Eating Gender-Neutral Steaks and Gender-Neutral White Tablecloths Are Oppressing Your Womynhood (and Are Probably Secretly Racist Too), Trust Us, It's Not That We Just Want Your Money

No Means Bring Me More Steak

Lady Bic Makes Steak Knives, Too

Susan B. Vic & Anthony's

Texas Mammary Glands & Cattle Co., Las Vegas

The Your Self-Worth Should Be Based Solely On How Others Judge Your Waistline, Wardrobe and Dress Size So Don't Eat Too Much Because There's A Fashion Parade On That Stage Every Five Minutes To Remind You Of How Disappointing You Are As A Person All-You-Can-Eat Steak Buffet

Fallopian Filets

Lot's Wife Turned Into a Pillar of Saltgrass Steakhouse So Obey the Men in Your Life, Ladies

Smith and WollenskSHE


It should be noted that Frilly Pink Vag Steakhouse will be replacing another failed steakhouse concept that Fertitta and Longoria partnered on last year: Beso, which was already shuttered when I visited the Crystals at CityCenter complex earlier this year. That said, the entire Crystals complex is populated with just enough vapid women whose idea of empowerment is wearing the shortest, tightest skirt possible in an attempt to clumsily mate with the man with the most fake tan and the shiniest shirt before any other bitches can step to him -- so maybe I've underestimated the draw that Frilly Pink Vag Steakhouse will have.

Empowerment. Blammo.

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Katharine Shilcutt