Now that a Democrat will fill disgraced Congressman Tom DeLay's seat, and Sugar Land itself has been ranked the third best place to live in the U.S., I figure it's time to pay a visit to our little neighbor to the southwest. I walk into Baker St. Pub & Grill (15970 City Walk Blvd. in Sugar Land, 281-494-0774) one Sunday to a packed scene: The place is filled with clean-cut, sophisticated twentysomethings. Most of them appear to be the kind of people who enjoy debating whether Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon or George W. Bush is the best president ever. Needless to say, I stick out like Jesse Jackson at a Ku Klux Klan rally. Among all the respectable types, there are also a few celebrities: members of a local hockey team are dining at a nearby table with some extremely hot women, and a girl who was on Fear Factor is chatting with some friends at the bar. I grab a seat near Ms. Fear Factor and strike up a conversation with a bartender who goes by the name Toraño. I ask him to recommend a drink, and he's about to answer when one of the guys at the hockey table stands up and suddenly, inexplicably, whips out his dick. Toraño leaps over the bar, grabs the guy by the shoulder, and says, "You'll have to take that elsewhere, sir. This isn't a strip club." The exhibitionist complies, and Toraño returns to the bar unfazed. "Now where was I? Oh yeah. You want a Monica Lewinsky." He quickly mixes a Texas-size shot of patriotism that's layered red, white and blue. I take a deep breath and down the shot. God bless America.

1/2 ounce Malibu Passion rum

1/4 ounce Blue Curaçao liqueur

1/4 ounce grenadine

1/2 ounce Absolut Apeach vodka

Splash pineapple juice

Combine Malibu Passion, Blue Curaçao and pineapple juice in shaker. Shake vigorously. Deny that you ever shook vigorously. Pour the grenadine into a double shot glass, then gently layer the shaken mixture over that, and finally add the Absolut Apeach on top. If done correctly, the mixture should have three separate (but equal) layers of red, white and blue. Repeat after me: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"