Film and TV

Blue Hate Special: Loving to Loathe Guy Fieri

We've all seen this spiked, peroxide-dyed Food Network star eating his way across America's heartland. We've all heard him choking out limp catchphrases around mouthfuls of food, wheezing out airy, hyena-like whinnies of laughter while wiping grease and mustard off of his perfectly manicured, bleached goatee.

We've all cringed at his asides, his constant breaking of the fourth wall and his level of obnoxiousness bordering on obscene.

We've watched his show, envied his job and wondered to ourselves the most obvious of all questions:

How the shit is Guy Fieri famous?

Guy has become famous for his gluttony, propensity for bad jokes and, allegedly, homophobia and sexism.

Oh, and he also wears too much jewelry, talks with his mouth full and never seems to tire of hearing his own voice.

This individual also wears his sunglasses backwards on his head.

What I've just described is the guy you never want to sit next to on a plane, or the guy that shows up to a party and doesn't really know anybody, so he overcompensates.

But Guy Fieri is a mega-rich television host, one capable of buying -- and absorbing the loss of -- a $200,000, bright-yellow Lamborghini.

Fieri is a New York Times best-selling author and host of multiple shows on multiple networks. He even has his own line of chefs' knives.

The knives are what you would imagine from someone who says things like "winner winner chicken dinner" and "that's a first-class ticket to flavor town" while taking himself seriously.

His line of cutlery is called "Knuckle Sandwich," and the knives are adorned with flames and other such silly shit so everybody knows that you have a ton of personality.

People line up around the block to see someone with about as much charm as a fishnet-bodysuit Cher from the "If I Could Turn Back Time" music video plus Andy Dick and Carrot Top, all rolled together into one strange, chubby, board-short-and-bowling-shirt package.

Tool doesn't begin to describe Guy Fieri.

Tool bag. Tool box. Tool Time with Tim Taylor.

The Home Depot.

He's had the lead singer of Smash Mouth as a guest on his show. That's pretty much game over.

This is a guy who made a cheese steak with RITZ crackers and was the spokesman for T.G.I. Fridays, so he's about as big a shill as you can be. No real mystery as to his integrity, I think, so he must be graded on a large curve.

Guy Fieri is the Larry the Cable Guy of the culinary world.

Big, bold flavors are fine, but you don't have to yell it at me, and furthermore, silk bowling shirts with flames on them are preposterous and certainly no way to grab my attention.

And stop wearing rings on your thumbs.

Imagine being the only person more abrasive than the Aflac duck. I guess that's talent.

And yet, I'll admit it: I do enjoy the show. I love seeing the funky, unique eats featured, and I've even visited a few of them. It's really quite disturbing, however, to see his spiked hair and countenance gleaming with pork sweats staring down at you when you first walk into a restaurant.

It must be part of his rider, because all of the places I've gone that have also been featured on his show have a large, framed portrait of him gracing their wall somewhere.

He's a massive bag of douche, but I can't knock his success. Whatever it is, it works.

Where do we all stand on the matter? Do you have a love-hate relationship with Guy? Or a love-to-hate relationship? Or a hate-to-love-to-hate?

How about a good, old-fashioned pure-hate relationship?

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Sam Brown