Burger King's New Cheetos Chicken Fries Are a Failure at Every Level

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Odds are the people in the Burger King test kitchen responsible for creating the Cheetos Chicken Fries fries are perfectly fine human beings. They have families who love them, friends who want to spend time with them and animals that miss them when they head to work. They have hobbies that don't involve Frankensteining corporate fast-food offerings with big-league snack food brands. And they likely have job security, because it's not as if Burger King's future is riding on the Cheetos Chicken Fries. The point is this: No one is going to lose his or her job over the fact that the Cheetos Chicken Fries are bad.

But if you try them for yourself, you might end up hoping that someone does.

Now, I understand that sounds needlessly mean, but here's the thing: Fries, both chicken and potato, are one of the few things that I would argue Burger King does pretty well. Everything else on its menu is fine, in the sense that you likely won't die if you eat it, but Burger King gets fries. The potato fries are among the best when it comes to national chains, provided you eat them in the car on the way home before they hit room temperature, and the regular chicken fries are my favorite fast-food snack.

Regular chicken fries aren't going to change your life, obviously, but they're dependable. The coating that covers the thin strips of chicken has just enough character to make you feel like you're eating real food, as opposed to Burger King's cheaper chicken nugget option, which just sort of tastes like regret unless you load up on ketchup. The chicken fries are about as good a bite of chicken as you're going to get from a non-chicken-centric fast-food establishment, and you should be thankful they exist for those days when you don't want something that's pretending to be a hamburger but mostly just tastes and smells like a pool.

And the Cheetos Chicken Fries ruin everything that is good about the mighty chicken fry.

I don't know who at Burger King is obsessed with Cheetos, but I'm convinced that whoever that person is has never actually had a Cheeto in his life. Maybe he just really likes the color. Maybe he just had a crush on Chester Cheetah. Maybe he lost his sense of taste in a bottle rocket accident growing up. Whatever the case, once again Burger King has managed to make a Cheetos-branded product that tastes nothing like a Cheeto.

In fact, the real issue here is that the Cheetos Chicken Fries don't actually taste like anything at all. It's bizarre. Even bad fast food tastes like something, even if that taste is ultimately not very good. At best, they kind of taste like chicken, in that bad-movie-joke way about how everything tastes like chicken. You eat the first one and wonder if maybe your mouth is just broken, but it just never gets any better. Sure, they do have a little bit more of a crunch to their exterior compared to the plain chicken fries, but mouthfeel really doesn't mean anything when you're eating flavorless meat with the faintest whisper of gas station knock-off puffed cheese product.

I actually got kind of angry eating the Cheetos Chicken Fries because I enjoy the regular version so much and these...things...are an affront to a snack that I really dig. In fact, I almost feel like the Cheetos Chicken Fries are intentionally bad, part of a long-term strategy by Burger King to troll stoners and people who make poor life decisions when it comes to ordering fast food. That's the only way to consider the Cheetos Chicken Fries, because if I had it my way, we'd shoot all of them into the sun and never speak of them again.

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