After eating somewhere in the ball park of 12 Robin's Eggs today, with my stomach getting that sour, sickly feeling from too much sugar, I realized a few things:
First: There's a little fat kid living inside of me. And second: I came to grips with the fact that I, like everyone else on this strange planet we inhabit, is guilty of having guilty pleasures.
Guilty pleasures are things we know we shouldn't eat, but eat anyway. Sometimes, these are things we shouldn't even like, but we do. In moderation, these dirty, secret little treats can often reverse a horrid day, calm your frazzled nerves or just for a moment, take you away to another place, a happier place.
Having guilty pleasures is one of the most pleasurable aspects of life. It's something that's for you, and only you, and everybody else can piss right off if they don't like it.
Other than Robin's Eggs, I'm really not a big sweets guy. But there is another sweet that I sometimes just can't resist.
Yellow cake with chocolate frosting...for breakfast.
There possibly couldn't be a worse start to a day, what with cake being naught but slices of refined carbohydrates, fat and sugar. But throw a glass of milk in there and you are turning back the clock to chubby little Sam, eight years old, round cheeks turned upwards in a rare smile as I nosh on birthday cake leftovers.
I don't often indulge in this particular guilty pleasure anymore, as I don't often keep cake in my fridge. If it was there, I'd be having sugar withdrawls by 9 a.m. every day.
Call Wilford Brimley.
Burger King Original Chicken Sandwiches
You may have noticed the debate over which was better -- Wendy's or Burger King -- on EOW recently. Other than the Chicken Sandy at BK, I whole-heartedly side with Wendy's. Dave Thomas was NOT fucking around when he created square burgers.
There's also chili!
The fried, oblong chicken patty on an enriched flour bun, a little afterthought of lettuce and -- for me -- hold the mayo and go Pootie Tang-style on some of Burger King's BBQ sauce. If I'm feeling particularly guilty: taco sauce. Burger King has tacos, believe it or not. They have taco sauce, as well.
I know. Gross. That's something you shame eat in the car wash, not have for lunch when of sound and sober mind. Burger King! It's a wonderful restaurant!
Nighthawk Frozen Meals
If you've never had a Nighthawk, imagine a frozen, heavily-salted, heavily preserved hamburger patty and some miserable tater tots. Their website, is amazing, at least.
Steak n' Mac is my favorite, but the Steak n' Tots has its place, too. As far as frozen food goes, Nighthawks are well above Michelina's, those "Italian" frozen entrees that cost a mean 99 cents. Nighthawks are better than Hungry Man's, but don't even touch Marie Callender's.
They remind me of coming home late from soccer practice, when I was 15 and constantly hungry due to a bottomless pit of a teenage appetite. I was also constantly confused and sexually frustrated at 15. The only thing that has changed with age is the appetite.
Never, ever put their steak sauce on the patty, though. Ever. I always put ketchup or A-1 on my Nighthawks. Sometimes both.The provided steak sauce is some kind of yellowish goo that is about as appetizing as, well, the Nighthawk itself.
I'm not advocating trying a Nighthawk, here, by any means. I haven't had one in ages, but if it was there? Not just yeah, but hell yeah, I'd eat it up real quick.
Also, Nighthawk has hands down the most badass name to be found in the frozen foods section. It's the Vin Diesel of frozen foods.
"Hey, bro, what're you eating?"
"Fuckin' Nighthawk, bro."
Kani Sushi Imitation Crab Stick
I love imitation crab meat. Let me say that another way so you fully get me:
Meat crab imitation I love.
Yes, I know how it's made. Yes, I know that admitting this marks my palate as sophomoric and incomplete in certain circles. I say this is a free country, so feel free to hold your own opinions and even freer to disregard the opinions of others. America, baby.
Real crab is way better, but I'm not eating imitation crab sticks to remind me of crab. Crab is about the last thing I think about when I eat imitation crab. Kani is to crab as the after-dinner belch taste is to the actual dinner itslf: a poor imitation, and totally disgusting.
But I still love it.
Fried Chicken from Randall's on Shepherd at Westheimer.
If you have't had it, go get it. My friend Greg brings this routinely as house warming gifts. I got one, and it was the best housewarming gift ever.
When the paper bag turns translucent, the chicken is done.
That dumb book Chicken Soup for the Soul has got it backwards. It's not family, faith, positive thinking and prayer that heals the soul. You know what makes you feel great? Getting exactly what you want, when you want it. What's better than dreaming about something all the day through then stuffing it in your face after all that toil and work?
That's the ultimate guilty pleasure.
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