F*** You, Yelper: Yelp Reviews as Beat-Style Poetry

Perhaps it wasn't the intention of the person who started Fuck You, Yelper to frame random snippets of sadly hysterical Yelp reviews for comparison to anti-intellectual Beatnik poetry. But I can't help seeing each post -- a few lines plucked, sometimes but not always, from a longer review -- stark in its braying, self-righteous ignorance as a work of art unto itself:

There were people outside in their pajamas. How difficult is it to change into street clothes? That just ghettoed the place. My brother brought 2 donuts from donut man and nobody ate them. We all said ew. It's just a donut.

Yes, it's just a donut.

And it's easy to see why Fuck You, Yelper has quickly become one of the most popular Tumblr pages over the last few days. Haven't we all despaired of the quality (and often dubious provenance) of the reviews and entitled ramblings posted on Yelp? Hasn't the world despaired over Yelp's business tactics and its effect on small businesses?

It's just par for the course at this point for Yelp to become a parody of itself, intentional or not. And that's what Fuck You, Yelpers showcases by merely posting a snippet of a review every day or so. It's also surprising to see the excessively minor things that can transform a guest's experience from wonderful to terrible in a matter of seconds, circumstances that are often out of a restaurant's control or have nothing to do with the restaurant in the first place (patrons in pajamas?).

But the site never seems to include Houston Yelp reviews. Could it be that our general population is just more well-informed, that we're more coherent and fair-minded than the average Yelper? EOW decided to take a look at some Houston reviews on Yelp to find out.

I had no idea what a dumpling was until I started working downtown. After having eaten here several times I am still not quite sure what a dumpling is. -- From a one-star review of Doozo Dumplings & Noodles

Unfortunately, I'm not much of a connoisseur when it comes to coffee drinks so I can't comment much on the quality of the drinks at Catalina Coffee. -- From a one-star review of Catalina Coffee

Most of us live in the heights area and frequent restaurants at least 3 nights a week. So technically, you can clasify us a "foodies". Believe me when I tell you, do not eat here for brunch. I have not tried their dinner, but do not plan on even giving them a chance after our experience. There tons of other places, who will feed you larger portions and who can offer better mimosa deals, and make you feel welcome too. I only gave one star, cause their bloody marys were good. -- From a one-star review of Stella Sola.

1 visit - owner on phone and not interested in us at all. Burger was just not sharp. -- From a two-star review of Hubcap Grill

This place is awful! First bad impression was when we pulled up to valet, they looked at us crazy, then finally came over and opened the doors. We had to ask them if there was a private party going on because it was weird that they weren't hurrying their lazy little asses over to help us. -- From a one-star review of The Grove.

Pizza is nothing to write home about maybe its all about the Brazilian style pizza they do but they got some funky toppings like corn on em. When I went in I noticed some "Brazilians" eating that corn pizza and they seemed to like it. Maybe if you are from that place you will like the pizza. -- From a two-star review of Friends Pizzeria.

Me and the bf went to FuFu's tonight for some cheap eats. This FuFu experience was unpleasant to say the least. There was a short wait but we got jipped by these two way old couple who cut in front of us. -- From a two-star review of Fu Fu Cafe.

Pappa Geno's is probably the closes thing to the real thing. Not that I've ever had the real thing, but just comparing to what I've seen on tv. -- From a three-star review of Pappa Geno's.

I probably shouldn't write this review because I didn't eat anything. -- From a one-star review of Vinoteca Poscol.

Houston Restaurant week sent us searching for places we hadn't tried. We picked Haven for dinner on a Wednesday night. I won't be back. You get one time to make a good first impression and I'd rather spent my time and money at places that impress. -- From a two-star review of Haven.

On second thought, never mind. It looks like Houston has its own generation of Beat Yelpers, too.

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