Five Items to Avoid -- Even Though They Sound Good

5. Tamales

Many times, I have wanted a tamale and then not wanted it a couple bites in (except maybe after that pub crawl when the little lady brought some into the bar, I don't really remember what I thought before or after that). Almost every single one ends up being drier than it looks and pretty much pointless. The only saving grace would be if you heaped a boatload of red sauce on one or served it with a poached egg on top. Tamale solo? No mas.

4. Chiles Rellenos

What's not to love here? Chiles rellenos are described as crispy and spicy, with molten cheese and meat inside. Sounds fine to me, except it never really turns out that way, does it? If you're honest, you too will agree that tucking into chiles rellenos is splitting open a greasy nightmare. Opening that surprise is sort of like figuring out what prize you have won in the guess-your-weight contest at a carnival. It's almost like a Mexican Hot Pocket, which brings us to...

3. Hot Pockets

I really want to write a whole paragraph about these, but what is to be said that Jim Gaffigan already hasn't? Well, there you are alone at home, and that cardboard box is staring at you. Couldn't be that bad, could it? I think I still have burnt skin tentacles hanging down in my mouth from the last time I ate one.

2. Corona

I don't think it's a secret that I am a craft beer-loving dude, but let's say it is close to 100 degrees and you end up at a crawfish boil and there is an iced tub full of Corona waiting when you get there. Corona is a time-and-a-place-beverage, to be sure, so what better time and place? Seconds later you are cramming a lime down the hole and taking a swig. Maybe the first sip is fine, just because it is cold and carbonated, but by sip two it has warmed up past 33 degrees and it tastes like, well, Corona tastes like. So let's face it, there is no time, and there is no place... unless you are a Jimmy Buffet nerd.

1. That Pasta Dish at a Seafood Restaurant

There it is, waiting for you. It's one of the four pasta options located on most Gulf Coast seafood restaurant menus. It has a name like spicy shrimp alfredo or Cajun crab and angel hair. It lures you in only to reveal its true identity: a bowl of creamy, fishy gloopiness.

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Lennie Ambrose