Five Staples of the Old Fogie Cabinet

And, yes, I do mean "old fogie" and not "senior citizen." I consider "senior citizen" a neutral term for someone who happens to be advanced in years. She may not "act her age" like this gal. An "Old Fogie," however, is someone who has the traits of a stereotypical old person (though she actually might be 34). She goes to bed early, she complains the music is too loud, and she probably has these five things in his cabinet.

5. Fig Newtons. The Old Fogie knows cookies are bad for her diabetes, so she turns to "fruited cake" to satisfy her sweet tooth. The regular (fig) kind is her staple; however, when she's feeling adventurous, she goes for the raspberry. What a rebel!

4. Apple Sauce. An apple a day keeps the gastroenterologist away...but that's easier said than done if you're missing some teeth (or are just too lame to bite and chew). With apple sauce the OF still gets his daily Red Delicious and can even share spoonfuls with the grandbaby.

3. Canned Corn. Especially the creamed variety. Ever since her good-for-nothing son took the keys away, the OF has found it difficult to get fresh produce on a regular basis. So she's stuck with canned corn and, um, pellagra.

2. Prunes. Who's retired? Keeping regular is a full-time job for the Old Fogie, who marks every missed and/or difficult bowel movement as a certain harbinger of death. In especially trying times, she pairs them with a chaser of (prune) juice.

1. Werther's Originals (extra-large bag). Having given up booze, cigarettes, and sex, the OF turns to Werther's for her oral fixation. She claims to stock up "only for the kids" but they live on the other side of the country and she's up to four bags a week.

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Joanna O'Leary