Five Staples of the Soccer Mom Cabinet

Believe it or not, I can remember a time when "soccer mom" wasn't necessarily a pejorative term. My theory: certain real/desperate housewives' reality dramas and sitcoms have significantly reinforced the negative associations surrounding this figure. But f&*k that, ladies. If there's two or more kids sleeping upstairs, a mini-van in your driveway, cleats in the garage, and these five items in your cabinet, proudly wave that Soccer Mom flag.

5. Instant coffee. Essential on those "mornings" when little Johnny decides to start throwing up at 3 a.m. ('cause Starbucks doesn't open until six). Coffee fuels the Mom Machine, and though she prefers a slightly classier blend, she can always pass off the remaining cheap stuff onto her mother-in-law.

4. Fruit Roll-Ups. Under pressure from other soccer parents to provide healthful snacks yet also desirous to be a "cool mom," the SM cleverly compromises by bringing fruit roll-ups to practice. At least the strawberry kind fulfills 10 percent of your daily Vitamin C requirement.

3. Marshmallows. What do Rice Krispies treats, hot chocolate, Fluffernutter sandwiches, and s'mores all have in common? You guessed it. Marshmallows are to soccer moms as tomatoes are to Italian grandmas. If only she could grow them in the backyard.

2. Pancake & Waffle Mix. Weekends often require something more special for breakfast than cereal and pop-tarts. But three nights in a row spent nursing the twins means the SM doesn't have enough energy play Martha Stewart for their older brothers and sisters. When these fake flapjacks are doused in Mrs. Butterworth, the kids and husband can't tell the difference.

1. Large Bottle of Cheap Red Wine. "For cooking," she says demurely. Yeah, right. There's nothing wrong with a little 2 p.m. pick-up, and the SM likes her "mommy juice" with extra tannins.

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