Okay, first up, a little clarification, since a bunch of you just got pissed off at the terms used in the headline and won't even read the article before leaving enraged spittle all over the comments section. When we say "hipster," and we hate to repeat this overused term, we don't mean just anyone who likes new music and likes to go out and see underground bands. We don't even necessarily mean it as a pejorative.
For example, you could somewhat reasonably call Matt & Kim, pictured above slugging it out with a banana and a taco, hipsters, and we love those guys and would never insult them. By the same token, you could call nearly everyone on the Eating Our Words staff a "foodie" if you're going by the most widely accepted definition (despite our best efforts), so perhaps a better word for what we're thinking of is Twitter user @sensestorm's wonderful portmanteau, "foochebag." Perhaps the music scene word would be "douchester." Maybe not.
In any case, we're only going after the people in each scene who take the best things about a community and make it all about themselves. We'll be taking a look at how each contender stacks up in each of three obnoxious categories: Attention-Whoring, Elitism and Superficiality. Points are awarded based on a numeric scale which we're keeping a closely guarded secret. The foochebag is written in the feminine voice; the douchester written in masculine because we love getting psycho-analyzed by you guys, it makes for great reading.
If you have a serious objection, please feel free to mentally switch their genders.
Foochebag: The foochebag not only loves attention, but loves causing drama. We're not talking about simply writing articles which are scintillatingly confrontational (tee-hee), we're talking about a full-on Mean Girls-style campaign of backbiting and subterfuge. The foochebag wants everyone to hate who she hates, and love her for hating those people.
She doesn't engineer most of her victories by open warfare, however; your foochebag is far happier to spread gossip through fake online identities and anonymously posted digs at her peers. Then, when the waters are good and poisoned, she will present herself as the superior creature, her interests bastions of holy reason in a world gone mad.
Douchester: The douchester can be sly, adopting an air of "I-don't-give-a-shit" aloofness which hides his aching insecurities and need to be admired. The snarkier and harder to please he is, the more desirable he becomes to other douchesters. In the end, however, if he wants to reach his Maximum Attention-Whore Potential (MAWP), he'll have to pick up some kind of instrument and start performing.
Unlike the foochebag, the douchester cannot simply grouse from the sidelines to achieve his MAWP. He must eventually participate, which robs him of his detached qualities, forces him to start making connections and friends, and before you know it, he's up and developed a genuine appreciation for his craft. When they reach that point, they've gone from douchester to actual musician - many of whom, we're already aware, are total dicks.
Foochebag: 16.7 points
Douchester: 14.9 points.
Verdict: Douchesters want to be rock stars. Foodies want to be Satan.
Foochebag: The foochebag is plenty elitist, but she can't afford to be as much of a snob as you'd think. The foochebag requires a social framework within to function, or else she's just another asshole over-hyperbolizing on Yelp. That means she will have to pretend to be friends with people she would ordinarily consider beneath her own social and/or intellectual strata: cooks, chefs, bartenders, other foochebags and so on. Sure, she'll think she's better than everyone else the whole time, but she'll keep that knowledge to herself.
After all, if you don't know, you don't deserve to know.
Douchester: The douchester shines in letting you know that he's better-versed in musical history than you, listens to cooler music than you, knows about cooler venues than you do, and works much, much harder than you to be as unrelentingly awesome as he is. What's your favorite band? Doesn't matter, they suck. They're too mainstream, or too upbeat, or too trendy, or like so five minutes ago.
The douchester's favorite thing to listen to is this tape he found in a bus station locker on which a guy plays the marimba and howls what's either Egyptian poetry or spells to call forth the Elder Gods. It's daring and innovative and heartfelt and unique and intelligent and life-changing and you absolutely cannot fucking borrow it. You wouldn't appreciate it like he does, rookie.
Foochebag: 216.7 points
Douchester: 222.22 points
Verdict: Foochebags can keep how much they love themselves a secret. No such luck with the douchesters.
Foochebag: Quick, pick something up and eat it. Did you like it? Not so fast. Was it locally grown and owned? Localism is very big these days. And it will be for another couple of months, until exotic foreign foods once again become all the rage and foochebags all over go back to ignoring local merchants like they're using no-stick spray made out of Hantavirus.
The foochester can convince herself that her tastebuds love only what is popular and trendy this very moment. If pinot noir is the "in" wine, the foochebag will sip from a glass of fine pinot grigio, sneer, "What is this, antifreeze?" and pour it down the nearest drain. The second pinot grigio comes back in style, however, that very same foochebag will drink that very same wine from that very same bottle and say "You know, I don't think I really gave it a chance before. I was sick that day, everything tasted bad. It's actually really good." Now that's delusion.
Douchester: The douchester will be very trendy, yes, but he must adopt a slower method of style-shifting to keep from looking like a poseur. A douchester can't be decked out in all-black emo clothes for years and then show up one day dressed in multi-colored raver-wear; that shit would get him laughed out of the mom 'n' pop coffee shop he hangs out at every day even though the coffee tastes like it was brewed in a catbox.
He must plant seeds: "Hey, you know what I heard the other day? That Neon Indian guy. He's pretty cool." Then, some time later: "Did you hear My Chemical Romance's new album? It's not as good as their old stuff." Kids, any My Chemical Romance album is as good as the next/last one, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that the shift appears to take place organically, as if the douchester is on a genuine voyage of discovery.
The whole time, however, he is thinking "Jesus, I can't wait until everyone forgets that I was into Panic at the Disco."
Foochebag: 6.85864 points
Douchester: 6.12618 points
Verdict: It's a close call, but it's understandable when your musical tastes genuinely change. But the actual physical taste buds on your tongue? That takes years, not weeks, unless you're a foochebag.
THE FINAL TALLY
Foochebag: 245.20864 points
Verdict: As you can see, it's very close, but we've calculated that the foochebag is slightly more obnoxious than the douchester. Spend some time with both. You just might agree.
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