Okay, first up, a little clarification, since a bunch of you just got pissed off at the terms used in the headline and won't even read the article before leaving enraged spittle all over the comments section. When we say "hipster," and we hate to repeat this overused term, we don't mean just anyone who likes new music and likes to go out and see underground bands. We don't even necessarily mean it as a pejorative.
For example, you could somewhat reasonably call Matt & Kim, pictured above slugging it out with a banana and a taco, hipsters, and we love those guys and would never insult them. By the same token, you could call nearly everyone on the Eating Our Words staff a "foodie" if you're going by the most widely accepted definition (despite our best efforts), so perhaps a better word for what we're thinking of is Twitter user @sensestorm's wonderful portmanteau, "foochebag." Perhaps the music scene word would be "douchester." Maybe not.
In any case, we're only going after the people in each scene who take the best things about a community and make it all about themselves. We'll be taking a look at how each contender stacks up in each of three obnoxious categories: Attention-Whoring, Elitism and Superficiality. Points are awarded based on a numeric scale which we're keeping a closely guarded secret. The foochebag is written in the feminine voice; the douchester written in masculine because we love getting psycho-analyzed by you guys, it makes for great reading.
If you have a serious objection, please feel free to mentally switch their genders.
ATTENTION-WHORING
Foochebag: The foochebag not only loves attention, but loves causing drama. We're not talking about simply writing articles which are scintillatingly confrontational (tee-hee), we're talking about a full-on Mean Girls-style campaign of backbiting and subterfuge. The foochebag wants everyone to hate who she hates, and love her for hating those people.
She doesn't engineer most of her victories by open warfare, however; your foochebag is far happier to spread gossip through fake online identities and anonymously posted digs at her peers. Then, when the waters are good and poisoned, she will present herself as the superior creature, her interests bastions of holy reason in a world gone mad.
Douchester: The douchester can be sly, adopting an air of "I-don't-give-a-shit" aloofness which hides his aching insecurities and need to be admired. The snarkier and harder to please he is, the more desirable he becomes to other douchesters. In the end, however, if he wants to reach his Maximum Attention-Whore Potential (MAWP), he'll have to pick up some kind of instrument and start performing.
Unlike the foochebag, the douchester cannot simply grouse from the sidelines to achieve his MAWP. He must eventually participate, which robs him of his detached qualities, forces him to start making connections and friends, and before you know it, he's up and developed a genuine appreciation for his craft. When they reach that point, they've gone from douchester to actual musician - many of whom, we're already aware, are total dicks.
SCORE
Foochebag: 16.7 points
Douchester: 14.9 points.
Verdict: Douchesters want to be rock stars. Foodies want to be Satan.
