Fast Times

Fortune Cookie Sayings You'd Never Want to Get

Today is National Fortune Cookie Day!

Since that is ridiculous in and of itself, we've compiled a list of ridiculous fortune cookie sayings. We like to call them Misfortune Cookies...

"Yes, that is his new girlfriend in his profile picture. And yes, she's hotter than you."

"We're sure you'll get a new job soon."

"Let's just say you may want to take that trip to the gyno after all."

"Whatever you do, avoid all highways."

"They're watching you..."

"Don't look now, but I'm pretty sure that guy just took a piece of your hair."

"Great news! Tyler Perry just signed on to do the new Batman trilogy!"

"When the cat's away, the mice will the back kitchen. Actually, I think they were rats."

"You have good health insurance, right?"

"It may be time to invest in some Rogaine."

"It's a boy! (And it's not yours. Go on...ask your wife.)"

"Hope you locked your doors!"
"Don't listen to what anybody tells you. That outfit looks great."

"Your boss fucking hates you, man."

"Who needs their front tooth anyway?"

"Terrible, terrible shit's about to come your way."

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver...and that creepy neighbor you think has been stalking you just bought a shit load at Costco."
"Is that your car outside? Just got towed."

"Screw it. Have another spare rib. You're having a heart attack May 12 of next year anyway, so..."

"They'll offer you free Wonton Soup. Whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE IT!"

"Dead looks good on you."

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Brooke Viggiano is a contributing writer who is always looking to share Houston's coolest and tastiest happenings with the Houston Press readers.
Contact: Brooke Viggiano