Four Ways the Ninja Kitchen Products Are Unlike Real Ninjas

I take ninjas seriously, so when someone tells me they have a product that is like a ninja, I'm going to pay close attention. In this case, an entire line of kitchen appliances has adopted the name and believes the stealth and skill of its machines rivals that of skilled Japanese martial artists.

While I admire their choice for a name, I question whether they truly understand the way of the masters. After looking over the product catalog, I have come to the conclusion that, no matter how good their blenders might be, there are four ways these appliances are not like ninjas. They could be the finest blenders on the planet for all I know, but to quote the late great Lloyd Benson, "You sir, are no ninja."

4. How is a whisk attachment deadly?

There is nothing scary about a whisk attachment unless your prey is an egg and everyone knows ninjas scramble their eggs by hand, just like they scramble the brains of their victims.

3. Their recipes are not worthy of a ninja.

Their recipes include mojitos, gazpacho and key lime pie. Well, why don't we just pour a ninja a delicious white wine spritzer? Hello! He's a ninja. The only things he feasts on are the hearts of his enemies and the only thing he drinks is is their blood.

2. At 1,000 watts of power, no way is this thing quiet.

One of the most important characteristics of a ninja master is stealth. The violent whirring of a 1,000-watt engine crushing ice wouldn't be able to sneak up on anyone, though the ice-crushing part is kind of awesome.

1. The blade is enclosed inside the machine.

While I do admire the four blades they use inside their blenders, no ninja would ever keep his blade tucked safely away inside a glass container. In order to slice and dice his opponent, he must be able to not only wield a sword, but fling shuriken all over the damn place.

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Jeff Balke is a writer, editor, photographer, tech expert and native Houstonian. He has written for a wide range of publications and co-authored the official 50th anniversary book for the Houston Rockets.
Contact: Jeff Balke