Healthiest (And Also Worst) Prospective Vending Machine Foods Ever

Schools in Cincinnati and Syracuse are the guinea pigs in an experiment to get kids to eat healthier. They're doing this by providing vending machines filled with carrots. Ah, but not just carrots: three-ounce bags of baby carrots dolled up to look like more familiar snack foods. Ingenious! With just a little re-branding, we've fooled those little bastards into eating something they hate. Preliminary reports suggest that the carrot machines are a big success, which just leads us to think of which other unlikely healthy foods we can pawn off on these school-age quarter factories. Obviously, the carrot machines are a great start on the road toward ending childhood obesity, but with just a little bit of hard work, creativity, and some good old-fashioned American insanity, we can provide vending machine options that will make the kids shout "Jesus! Oh dear sweet Jesus Christ!" in praise and thanks!

5. Venison Venison is lower in calories, cholesterol, and fat than any beef, pork or lamb, and therefore healthier. Sure, it would be an easy thing to load the machine up with packages of venison jerky, but we're thinking bigger. We're thinking of a row of adjacent George Foreman grills, and a vending machine filled with raw deer meat. The students would choose the cut, pay their money, and it would plop right down into the machine's mouth. The student would then take their raw venison over to the Foreman grills to cook to their liking. We could even rig up the more expensive machines to keep the meat chilled, although that might not be cost-effective. These things would have to be switched out pretty often, which would mean keeping a huge stock of deer ready to be slaughtered... maybe we could get the schools' 4-H clubs involved!

4. Asparagus Who doesn't love the smell of fresh, juicy asparagus roasting on the skillet? "Almost everyone," you say? Fiddlesticks. Asparagus is a vegetable, and vegetables are good for you, and that means the kids will love it. This time we're imagining a row of woks, perfect for stir-frying the tasty spears. We'll have to make sure to avoid the bathrooms right after lunch, though, because damn. Ever smelled 1,000 kids-worth of asparagus pee? Lord knows we have. It's not pretty.

3. Castor oil You're probably thinking to yourself, "But wait a minute. Don't these little shits need something to drink?" Yes they do, and we've planned for it. What better beverage to provide for a growing child than pure, unsweetened castor oil? It can be served at room temperature, so that saves on cooling costs right there. Not only is it a natural laxative, but it contains all kinds of derivatives used to treat fungal infections, HIV and even cancer! Plus, it's used in Aci-Jel, which serves to "maintain the acidity of the vagina." So for all you concerned parents, there's an added benefit: If we can keep your teenage girls full of enough castor oil, it's entirely possible their lady parts will remain caustic and thus protected until they leave for college. Now that's just good science.

2. Sushi Once again, an opportunity for the little tuna farmers in the 4-H club to help out. Made fresh every morning, individually wrapped sushi rolls would sate the appetites of any kids who are just dying for a Dragon Roll for breakfast. This is another example of a machine we could offer a cooling option on, so the wealthier schools could safely eat the sushi at lunch time. For the non-cooled machines, it might be a good idea to have the kids' parents sign some kind of food-poisoning waiver if they're going to be using the machine after 10 a.m. We don't want your schools to be held liable just on the off-chance one of the kids starts puking blood.

1. Eggs Good sources of protein, eggs are universally loved by all. The best thing about the egg is that we can put them at a sufficient height to crack upon vending, and then all the student has to do is scoop out the raw, runny egg from the dispenser. What a time-saver! And those concerned about bits of eggshell getting in your egg, no need to worry: eggshells are good sources of calcium and can be eaten with the egg (although they should probably be ground up first). And talk about variety! Not only would we use the standard chicken egg, but we could go with quail eggs, duck eggs, even ostrich eggs, if we can make a machine big enough. The kids will be "scrambling" for this raw, drippy, yolky treat!

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