Bar Beat

Houston's 10 Best Bathrooms to Bang In

"It's a list of bathrooms to fuck in, not Homer's Odyssey. Don't go overthinking it."

My girlfriend hurled this sage wisdom at me earlier this week as I planned my trek to nearly two dozen bars I visited to compile this list. If nothing else, I am sure the Greek poet would respect my legwork.

This list was built by polling service-industry veterans, bar patrons and a slutty-looking girl I saw sitting out front of Boondocks (her emphatic answer was "Fuck off!" by the way; I couldn't find that bar on Yelp, however). We rated bars and their washrooms on ambience, ease of entry and egress, feasibility -- sorry, Grand Prize, but one person can't fit in your stalls alone, much less two -- and overall sex appeal.

Our list of the ten best bathrooms to have a shag in is as follows:

10. BRC

BRC was the first Houston bar we remember seeing in the new unisex bathroom trend. Separated from the dining room almost completely, the layout features separate stalls off the main washroom with what one woman knowingly described as "plenty of room."

9. Fitzgerald's Women's Restroom (Upstairs)

This one goes out to all the scene kids and hipsters in the audience. Being equipped with what my mom tells me is formally known as "a peepee," I have yet to see this bathroom. But while I was researching this article, no less than three women offered the upstairs bathroom at the legendary music venue as a viable hookup closet. "Would you even want to fuck in there?" I asked a particularly fussy female friend.

"The whole idea is about being as dirty as possible," she responded, "and you literally can't get much dirtier than that, so I guess it might be hot." And I guess it could be worse; it could be Lola's.

8. Reef

Though it's certainly quieted down since its early buzz days, Reef's dining room is busy most nights, even if the "3rd Bar" is not. The well-appointed bathrooms are off a back hallway, making access for you and your boink buddy easier than a pair of crotchless panties. Bonus points if you pick up some strange at Proof Bar upstairs and bring them down to seal the deal.

7. Secret Bathroom at Petrol Station

Not so much a secret anymore, Petrol Station's extra bathroom finally has a solid lock on the door -- so no need for performance anxiety whilst wondering who is about to bust in on your washroom tryst. Gentlemen, you probably want to bring a date if you plan on checking this one off your list, as single ladies at Petrol Station are almost as scarce as Bud Light. Conversely, ladies, everyone knows beer nerds are better lovers, or so I've been told.

6. The Dirt Bar

Dirt Bar was created so people had a place to have a drink before they go off and bang in the bathroom. It's just that kind of bar. The vibe in this place-- the closest thing Houston has to a heavy metal bar -- can range from calm-yet-never-quiet to "Holy shit, is this The Apocalypse?" If you want to bed a rock star, one of your very best shots is at a Dirt after party held for shows at House of Blues just across the street.

5. Mongoose Versus Cobra

Mongoose was one of the early inspirations for this article. I saw two girls hooking up in MvsC's cozy unisex bathroom before soft opening was even over. If you ever find the wait for a drink interminable, camp out near the bathroom and catch the show.

4. 13 Celsius

13 comes in high on the list after scoring well in both the talent and ambience categories. Whether you favor your anonymous hookup flavor in well-suited business professional, married yuppie on the prowl or the scruffy hipster variety, this perpetually hip wine bar has pretty people from all walks of life. Besides, if you need help encouraging your significant other to join you for a quickie, a bottle of wine is excellent lubrication, social and otherwise.

3. Boheme

If the sultry vibe, provocative art on the walls and endless supply of red wine at Boheme don't get you going, then maybe the leather couch in the private men's room will. Of all the washrooms on this list, this is the only one we found with furniture. All three of the restrooms (including the unmarked unisex room in the middle) are private, so feel free to explore. Bonus points if you figure out how to use the high-tech Japanese toilets.

2. Anvil

Every single service-industry vet polled mentioned "the middle bathroom at Anvil," quite specifically. Some even offered stories of having to eject patrons found sneaking a quickie in the single-occupancy bathroom. "Swingers, man. They used to come in all the time," offered one former bartender. "You'd look up and two of them are gone and sure the bathroom."

1. The Pass & Provisions

One of my favorite pastimes is sitting at the bar at Provisions and watching patrons discover the small unisex bathroom for the first time. "There's a condom machine in there!" a preppy brunette in a sleek Brooks Brothers dress giggles as she straightens her pearls. "Oh, no way!" her friend retorts, visibly blushing. When it flusters the girls from The Young Republicans Waco Chapter, you know it's a swank bathroom.

"I'd do it in the other bathroom, too," quipped a friend of the bathrooms in the main dining room. "Who doesn't want to get it on to Julia Child?" (Audio of the late celebrity chef's cooking show is piped into these bathrooms. That voice.) The large main bathroom looks like BRC's unisex locker room got sent to finishing school. Complete with five private stall-rooms, this is the Maserati of washrooms; it's just that sexy.

In addition to having damn sexy bathrooms, a good portion of this list also functions as a damn fine place to have a drink as well. Admittedly, the Galleria area, Washington Avenue and Upper Kirby bars are absent here but I couldn't find anyone who actually drinks there and I myself haven't been to a Washington Avenue bar since I was dragged to Addix by a certain assistant music editor who shall remain nameless. Got any bathrooms Eating...Our Words may have missed?

Follow Eating Our Words on Facebook and on Twitter @EatingOurWords

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Joshua Justice
Contact: Joshua Justice