WTF Island

You Can Find This New Burger Monstrosity at Wet’n’Wild SplashTown

Let me just throw on a swimsuit and eat this thing in front of you kids.
Let me just throw on a swimsuit and eat this thing in front of you kids. Photo courtesy of Wet'n'Wild SplashTown
With summer here, it's time to turn our attention to a strange little topic: water park foods. What usually comes to mind is an onslaught of horrid images: swimsuit-clad plebs with third-degree sunburns downing funnel cakes, chicken fingers, hot dogs, nachos and other foods that preserve the body from the inside out through the miracle of high fructose corn syrup and whatever life-prolonging magic is included in neon-orange liquid cheesefoods. Carnie cuisine is what water parks are all about, that and Dippin' Dots and getting heatstroke while waiting in line with a tube or raft — don't lock the knees!

And fresh for summer 2017, Houston's own Wet’n’Wild SplashTown does not disappoint. Yes, the area's largest water park has rolled out the area's largest freak show of a burger, the Wow Burger (naturally), featuring a third of a pound of beef, a spicy chicken breast, a 100 percent all-beef Nathan’s hot dog, bacon and two types of cheese. If you weren't wearing a thong to begin with, you likely will be after eating this thing.

click to enlarge Now that's water park food. - PHOTO COURTESY OF WET'N'WILD SPLASHTOWN
Now that's water park food.
Photo courtesy of Wet'n'Wild SplashTown
The burger was created by the park's ingenious food service manager, Joe Sanchez, who also created some far less terrifying options for the park this summer, including:
  • street tacos, at the Paradise Tacos stand
  • bánh mì spicy beef wrap, at Ocean Breeze Cafe
  • smoked barbecue brisket sandwich, at Ocean Breeze Cafe
  • fajita taco salad, at Ocean Breeze Cafe
  • spicy chicken sandwich and wrap, at Ocean Breeze Cafe
  • two new funnel cakes, the birthday cake and the cookies 'n' cream, at Island Bob Funnel Cakes and Soft Serve stand
click to enlarge With this funnel cake, every day is your birthday. - PHOTO COURTESY OF WET'N'WILD SPLASHTOWN
With this funnel cake, every day is your birthday.
Photo courtesy of Wet'n'Wild SplashTown
Wet'n'Wild SplashTown was recently featured on Travel Channel’s “Xtreme Waterparks." Its crazy rides include the Brain Drain, a seven-story, 333-foot and 360-degree floor drop, and the Texas Freefall, a seven-story, dueling water slide. You can catch the episode again on Sunday, August 27, at 9 a.m

Wet'n'Wild SplashTown, wetnwildsplashtown.com
21300 I-45 in Spring

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Gwendolyn Knapp is the food editor at the Houston Press. A sixth-generation Floridian, she is still torn as to whether she likes smoked fish dip or queso better.