Know What You're Getting in This Box of Chocolates: A 12-Ounce Whitman's Sampler, Analyzed

Forrest Gump wasn't quite right.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates when that box is a 12-ounce Whitman's Sampler because you pretty much always know what you're gonna get.

Although the sampler is billed as an "assortment," this confection collection inevitably includes, for better or for worse, certain stock chocolate types. Each 12-ounce box contains a double tier of 14 different flavors. And here's what I think of 'em:

(By the way, I am definitely not the first person to expound in detail about the contents of a Whitman's Sampler. Top prize goes to this guy.)

1. Coconut. A superior version of Mounds and with a thick milk chocolate covering to boot! By far my favorite.

2. Chocolate Covered Peanuts. Take them or leave them. The milk chocolate coating is great but the nuts themselves rather bland.

3. Caramel. Extra caramel makes this chocolate a cut above the rest.

4. Chocolate Covered Almonds. Not bad, but personally I prefer Hershey's.

5. Chocolate Whip. Needs more heft in flavor and in texture. The sugar to cocoa ratio is off and the filling just a bit mealy.

6. Pecan & English Walnut Cluster. The Dowager Countess of the Whitman's Sampler. A bit stiff, nutty, but sweet at the end of the day.

7. Molasses Chew. Scrumptious but be very wary if you have any permanent dental work.

8. Messenger Boy. Just a square of milk chocolate with an image of messenger carrying a disproportionately big Whitman's sampler. More cute than crazy good.

9. Almond Nougat. Makes other nougat chocolates (here's looking at you, 3 Musketeers) seem god-awful by comparison. So, yes, it's good.

10. Cashew Cluster. Mezze-mezze. Could be much improved by saltier cashews.

11. Chocolate Truffle. Not as rich as those fancy schmany European types (like Leonidas). But that just means you can eat more before hitting chocolate coma.

12. Toffee. There are two of these bad boys per tier (4 per box) which means many, many opportunities to just almost chip your teeth on the pleasantly-painfully hard milk chocolate toffee logs.

13. Cherry Cordial. Tastes like cough syrup. Wouldn't eat more than one unless you paid me.

14. Maple Fudge. Like eating an ultra-dense dark chocolate pancake doused in maple syrup. This chocolate is for Mainers.

While the contents of the Whitman's sampler are certainly diverse, they are by no means comprehensive. What's missing? First and foremost, some sort of milk or dark chocolate covered marshmallow chocolate. Also a peanut butter cream. Maybe I just have to move on to a whole new sampler. Readers, you got any recommendations for superb boxes o' chocolates?

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Joanna O'Leary