Among Lady Gaga's costume changes Sunday night at the MTV Video Music Awards, which numbered three or four by our count, one was a dress made of raw beef. Not unlike the meat suit she donned for her Terry Richardson-shot cover of the Japanese Vogue, this one allowed for more movement and came with meat heels.
By morning the world was up in arms over the outfit, with people screaming about its lack of taste or tact, or applauding its innovation and boundary destruction. Now that the world is two years into the Gaga phenomenon, it's amazing to us that people are still shocked -- as if they expected her to be tame on an awards show.
The meat was, in fact, real, coming from designer Franc Fernandez's family butcher. It was only put together with twine and ties, by the looks of it. Gaga even managed to slip some trademark ass exposure into the back of the dress. Not that we right-clicked and saved a picture of it and posted it on our personal Tumblr or anything.
We can only imagine the dress smelled like the meat section at your local grocery store. It seems to us that if people can wear animal fur, skin, or those cowboy boots with snake heads on them you see at the flea market, why can't they wear raw meat? You can cook it afterward, too. Wouldn't the heat kill the germs, anyway? That's what we would keep telling ourselves.
But why stop at beef? Here's some other foods that would be good to wear.
10. Donuts Donuts would be kinda sexy, considering the scandalous peekaboo holes on them. Leave just a little to the imagination to make the men go wild. Insert your own cop joke here if you want.
9. Fish Filets
All you saucy pescatarians out there were probably howling at the television last night, asking why Gaga wasn't wearing fish. It's true, fish would have been way more colorful than boring red flesh. Imagine a purse made of pet-store goldfish, heels with catfish heads on the toe, and a rainbow trout dress.
8. French Fries
You could look like a flapper from the Roarin' '20s dancing a step with your fella in a speakeasy while you gyrated to some hot jazz sounds while wearing a fringey number made of french fries.
7. Cold Cuts
Slather on the mayo and affix cold cuts all over your body. Personally, we would want our lady to step out wearing ham and cheese loaf, a childhood favorite of ours.
6. Cotton Candy
Harkening to the recent Katy Perry promo shoot of the singer ensconced in the airy sugary goodness, a cotton candy dress would be disastrous in the rain or high-humidity. That and you would have an inordinate amount of carnies in the wings with disposable cameras, chloroform, and cubic zirconia rings waiting to wed you. Or assault you with their tiny hands.
5. Cheese Slices
Get the individually-wrapped slices of American cheese, which would be easier to string together. A strapless number made of fake processed cheese. The red carpet puns would be worth it.
Burgers would make a good outfit, yes, but from where would you get those burgers, and what would be on them? Gourmet burgers made of Kobe beef, or frozen White Castle jobs? You would be the belle of the High Times Ball. Hell, we wouldn't kick you out of bed.
A few dozen $5 Subway sandwiches would still cost less than an off-the-rack dress from a big-name designer. In the spirit of the sandwich chain, make sure to look pissed-off when someone asks you a simple question.
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SHOW ME HOW
IHOP would have nothing on you, darling, in a slinky LBD made of pancakes, or flapjacks for you yanks. At the end of the evening, lay in the tub and serve yourself to your party over coffee and cigarettes. Someone pass the butter pecan syrup.
1. Peanut Butter
Nothing spells decadence like a chunky peanut butter. The messiest fashion choice in this list, you can strategically place the mashed peanut mixture on the naughty nutty bits and show off all your time at the gym with some organic no-stir butter on your killer abs and arms. Have your date wear a suit of grape jelly. You can thank us later.