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Suggestive Restaurants to Get You in the Mood This Valentine's Day

On the way to Jimmy Changas a few weeks ago, my dining companion and I passed a country-cute little restaurant in Deer Park called Jug and Muffin. Aside from reminding me that I still want to open a pub some day called The Honk and Jiggle, we couldn't stop giggling to ourselves at the name.

Jug. Muffin. We repeated them ad nauseum, sounding more like Beavis and Butt-head with each juvenile sputtering. Classy, ain't we?

Music writer Craig Hlavaty ran into a similar issue when he was first checking out Jackson's Watering Hole for our bar listings. Hlavaty and our editorial assistant were nearly kicked out of the place for making fun of the name -- to themselves, I might add -- by calling it "Michael Jackson's Hole" and riffing on variations of it over beers. The owner didn't take too kindly to this, but the boys patched things up and I hear they're all great friends now.

No matter how old you get or how civilized you think you are, there are just some phrases that will make you do a double-take or laugh inappropriately. No matter what the occasion. Even if it's a charity event. Ahem.

Below are the five restaurant names that we can't say with a straight face. But maybe making Valentine's Day plans at one of these joints will put you or your date in an amorous mood. After all, who doesn't love BJs on V-Day?

Note: Places with deliberately, desperately suggestive names that hint at the bounty of bosoms within -- i.e., the Hooters and Twin Peaks of the world -- have been left off.

Honorable Mention: Beaver's

Yes, it's been mentioned to death. Even my grandmother gets that this is dirty. But the phrase "eating at Beaver's" never quite gets old.

5. Beef and Bun

This old-school barbecue joint has the added bonus of being located on Fuqua, if you really want to get puerile. (Hint: It's not pronounced "Fuck-ya," as I once made the mistake of assuming when I was eight years old...in front of my mother.)

4. Jug & Muffin

Perhaps two less obvious synonyms for a woman's lady-parts could have been chosen. I'm just saying. Even Mug & Muffin would have been more appropriate here, in what seems like a perfectly nice olde-timey breakfast and lunch place.

3. BRC (Big Red Cock) Gastropub

Does anything else need to be said about this one?

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2. BJ's Brewery

No matter how jokingly you ask for it, they do not serve actual BJs here. Do not attempt.

1. Finger-Licking Bukateria

Oh, you silly Nigerians, placing the term "finger-licking" right next to a word that sounds strikingly like one of the filthiest terms in all of pornography. The "finger-licking" here refers to the fact that you have to continually wet your fingers while eating the sticky balls of fufu that accompany your soup. A "bukateria" is a portmanteau of the words "buka" (a Nigerian term for an "eating house") and cafeteria. But to clueless Houstonians, these two items create the perfect storm of eyebrow-raising and dirty laughter. Congrats, Finger-Licking Bukateria.

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