Tuesday's news that a homeless woman had been arrested for "offering BJs" in exchange for Chicken McNuggets at an L.A.-area McDonald's sunk the whole fast food-crime genre to a new low. For years, there have been an increasing number of weird and silly fast food-related crimes, but this latest one was just sad.
"Khadijah Baseer, 31, was reportedly going car to car, asking drive-thru customers if they'd buy her some McNuggets in exchange for a blowjob," said the LA Weekly in its write-up of the incident.
"She used to go out there in the past asking for money, but this time..." said LAPD Lieutenant John Dilibert of Baseer's activities. The poor woman was starving. All that she had to offer the world was oral sex, and all that the world had to offer her at that moment was a 10-piece box of pre-fabbed chicken nuggets. Like I said, it's a genuinely sad story.
But there are plenty of fast food-related crimes that aren't as sad; crimes that are gleefully amusing in their stupidity and that don't make you weep for humanity quite as much. Here are our top 10.
No list of fast-food crimes is complete without a woman in a bikini assaulting a stunned Burger King crew.
10. He was just out on a munchie run...
A man in Florida robbed a drug dealer at gunpoint, then shot at the drug dealer upon discovering that the bag he stole from the dealer turned out to be a bag of fast-food hamburgers instead of the loot he really wanted: a bag of marijuana.
9. Leave a trail of corn dogs
Shattered glass, drops of blood and a trail of Sonic corn dogs led police to the home of a Oklahoma man who'd robbed the Sonic only minutes before. Inside his home, police found still more fast-food: foot-long hot dogs, buns, chicken breasts and more of those traitorous corn dogs
8. Every day I'm hustling
A couple of "entrepreneurs" in Florida were arrested after stealing frozen chicken nuggets -- 30 pounds of nuggets -- in addition to other items, such as a laptop and a power washer. Their explanation to police was that they were trying to start up a business. I understand the laptop, but where do the power washer and nuggets come in to play?
7. Here's a f------ leg for you
A man in North Carolina was infuriated when told that his local fast-food chicken joint, Bojangles, had run out of drumsticks. The aptly named Jason Gross responded to this upsetting news by pulling out his penis, presenting it to the cashier and telling her, "Here's a fucking leg for you." He was arrested on charges of indecent exposure.
6. "Closed" means nothing when you're drunk
An extremely intoxicated 21-year-old Minnesota man was arrested after breaking into his local Pizza Hut and attempting to fry up some wings for himself. Sometimes the 24-hour Jack In The Box drive-thru just won't cut it when you're extra-wasted...
5. McNuggets: They're not for breakfast
That's what staff at a McDonald's told an Ohio woman who tried to order the chicken nuggets at 6:30 a.m. She responded by breaking the drive-thru window (seen in the video above) and socking one employee in the mouth, and was later arrested on misdemeanor battery charges.
4. McDonald's drives people crazy
By now, you'll have noticed that roughly half the stories on this list take place in or around McDonald's restaurants. There's something about the food that makes people lose their damn minds, like this California man who punched a 16-year-old girl whom he thought cut in front of him in line.
3. We've all wanted to kill a fast food employee at one time, but...
An angry middle-aged man in Connecticut threatened to kill a McDonald's employee who didn't know about a promotion the fast food chain was running on its McNuggets. It gets extra-creepy when you realize the man -- who'd originally ordered his meal in the drive-thru -- got out of his car and went into the restaurant to personally deliver the death threat to a hapless employee.
2. 911 is not a toy
Dialing 911 with fast food complaints is more common than you might realize. A man in Florida was charged with abuse of 911 communications after calling to complain that Burger King was out of lemonade. A woman in California dialed the emergency service to complain that Carl's Jr. wasn't making her Western Barbeque Burger fast enough. And a couple in Tennessee was arrested after attempting to order a cheeseburger and fries by calling 911.
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1. Have it your way
The now-infamous "BK Brawler" got her nickname after fighting an entire crew of Burger King employees whom she thought were "slow" in delivering her Whopper Jr. The bikini-clad woman rampaged through the Florida fast food restaurant before finally being arrested on a misdemeanor battery charge. The best part: ""If I knew that was going to happen," she said, "I would have gone to Taco Bell."