The 5 Greatest Discontinued Desserts

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5. Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pudding Pies

Okay, we know a lot of people are going to attribute this to us being overly nostalgic. After all, just about everything you loved as a kid seems better, simply because you were a child filled with innocent wonder and the world hadn't yet had a chance to beat down your spirit and murder your soul. And yes, they were a shade of neon green that could not possibly have been brought about by any sort of dye that was meant to be consumed. BUT: they had what no other Hostess pie had at the time, and that is pudding. Pudding is awesome, and when stuffed inside an iced pastry shell...just phenomenal. Come on, you pricks, you're turning your noses up, but if they made one at Crave you'd call in the fucking Pope and have it crowned King of Desserts. We're not saying Hostess needs to bring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles back; by now, they've all retired from freelance ninja-ing, settled down, and started raising hideously deformed turtle-human hybrid babies that make God hate himself. We're just saying they need to bring back some kind of pudding pie. It's time. We're ready for it.

4. Jell-O Pudding Pops

While we're on the subject, why on earth did Jell-O stop making the pudding pops? Those damn things were delicious, and perfect for summertime. Did the advocation of the mighty Bill Cosby not get through to you people? It's one thing to just eat some pudding with a spoon. But letting it slowly melt in your mouth while you watch cartoons? Shit, we knew this was going to happen; we're starting to get genuinely sad. And we're only on the second entry.

Wait, never mind, we're going to order one of these:

No customer reviews? Slashed price? No one's buying this thing? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

(Note: we've been made aware that Good Humor bought the Jell-O Pudding Pops name and now sells them under its Popsicle brand, but according to their website, they're not sold at any stores within a hundred miles of Houston. Son of a BITCH!)

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John Seaborn Gray