When the damned gather for New Year’s Eve Chez Lucifer, I suggest they dine on this guaranteed true-to-life banquet culled from actual Houston menus, vintage 1993. Surely we must take perverse civic pride that our enterprising local chefs have devised an assortment of dishes so silly, misbegotten, infelicitously named or otherwise hideous-sounding; even the terrifyingly inventive chefs of Los Angeles or Dallas would be hard put to surpass this fiendishly festive IcarteI. And where else, pray tell, would a bistro feature the disconcerting likes of a beef dish christened after a diabolically meddlesome, hellaciously uncosmetic private dick?
The Houston Press makes no representations as to the edibility of said dishes: They may be every bit as palatable as the tofu-skin salad touted in these very pages not long ago. But weÕll never know, will we? Because to encounter these menu offerings is to snigger helplessly, lose one’s appetite or experience a powerful urge to flee. In such circumstances, are we likely to do as the name of an actual dish from the Gulf Freeway’s Bombay Oven commands us, and ÒTrust the Chef”? No way.
Before toasting our winners, tribute must be paid to the entire menu from LupeÕs Tortillas, an infernally irritating document rendered in pseudo-Tex Mex dialect. To wit: “Cheekin Lupe”; “Beeg Sucker Burrito”; ÒServes four hongry gringosÓ; etc. ad nauseam. Truly a menu from hell, Highway 6-style. Bravo, beeg suckers! Bravo, too, to our favorite Superfund site for producing the 1993 home chef’s dish from hell: “Clear Creek Fisherman’s Special — Poisson Dangereux a la Brio Oil Refinery.” Yum.
And see you in court.
Herewith, discerning readers, the year’s hellish bill of fare. I solicit your suggestions for 1994 with morbid anticipation. Meanwhile, bon appetit.
Shish-Ka-Billy-Bob with Pango Pango sauce
Lake Longhorn Grill
Federal Express Burger
Cockpit Grill
Pork Caramel
Blue Orchid Viet-Thai
Casserole of Charred Mixed Vegetables
La Mer (R.I.P.)
World Trade Center Sandwich
Gugenheim’s
Seafood Love Boat Sizzled over Rice Crispies
China Station
Steak Clyde Wilson
Cafe Elegante
Saltimbocca a la Mussolini
Cavatore
Roast Pork Ends
Auntie Chang’s Dumpling House
Mexi-Skins
Taste of Texas
Squid Sandwich
The Quilted Toque
Charred Tomato
Gnocchi, Lobster Hash & Coral Butter Sauce
La Reserve
Scrambled Eggs in Bologna Cups
Gugenheim’s
Guru Special
Golden Room
Meat Ravioli with Alfredo Clam Sauce
Fred’s Italian Corner
Cinnamon Roasted Pheasant with Green Chili Vinaigrette
Cafe Annie
Gorgonzola Cheese Tortellini with Smoked Mussels in Parmesan Cream
Charley’s 517
Coconut Fried Shrimp with Marmalade Sauce
Outback Steakhouse
Organic Tofu Turkey
A Moveable Feast
Ice Cream Tacos
Lupe’s Tortillas
Strawberries in Raspberry Vinaigrette, Cracked Pepper & Equal
Cent’ Anni
King Rat Gateau with Dancing Marzipan Mice
Omni Hotel
Candied Jalapeno Ice Cream
Promenade Grill, Doubletree Hotel at Post Oak
This article appears in Dec 30, 1993 – Jan 5, 1994.