The Texas Breastaurant

From Urban Dictionary: Breas*tau*rant [bres-ter-uhnt, -tuh-rahnt, -trahnt]

-noun A male-oriented restaurant where the servers' bodacious cleavage is never on the menu--but always in voluminous supply. Openly admiring these women is an unspoken (but completely sanctioned) activity by all parties involved: managers and patrons. Breastaurants emit a vibe that wards off all feminists, vegans, and homosexual males within a two-mile radius. See also: brestaurant, breastraunt.

We don't have to talk, let's just watch the game. I want you. I need you. I'm begging you - take me. How would you like to tap this? I like it when you bite me. It might get a little messy - but that's half the fun.

No, I don't write dialogue for adult films in my spare time. The lines above can all be found scrawled across innocuous pictures of La-Z-Boys, beer, sandwiches and hot wings on the Brick House Tavern and Tap website, a perfect example of the hypersexual, "man-boy" targeted marketing tactics that drive the Texas breastaurant.

The breastaurant concept itself is nothing new. The first Hooters opened its doors in 1983. Today the Atlanta-based Hooter's of America, Inc. is the operator and franchiser of more than 450 Hooters locations in 43 states in the U.S. and 26 countries worldwide, while the privately held corporation owns 122 units. However, the new Lone Star breed of boobs 'n beer, which includes Bone Daddy's, Twin Peaks and Houston-based Brick House Tavern + Tap, make the iconic panty-hose clad Hooters girl look downright wholesome.

I could describe the required attire at Twin Peaks and Bone Daddy's or post a photo, but neither will have the impact of this Nightline report. ABC's Ryan Owens looks downright giddy to be on assignment. I don't even remember seeing food. Oh wait, there was a chicken-fried steak in there that looked mighty tasty, but then the cameraman shot it right under some ginormous boobs...

It appears that Brick House will open in Galveston on Pier 19 in the location that is now occupied by Joe's Crab Shack. While information was not found on the company's website regarding this (nor could representatives be reached for comment), a posting for a management position was spotted on Indeed.com. Twin Peaks, based out of Dallas, will open its first area location at 20931 Gulf Freeway in Webster this fall.

On a side note: I think this is a terrible name for a restaurant. For me, Twin Peaks immediately conjures up images of Laura Palmer dead, wrapped in plastic, dwarves in red business suits, sexy Kyle MacLachlan and giants, not breasts. The irony is that if David Lynch is aware of the chain of breastraurants in Texas that share the name of his acclaimed television series about the seedy underworld lurking beneath the polished veneer of small-town America, he probably has a smile on his face.

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