This Damn "Angry Whopper" Could Be a Damn Sight Angrier, Damn It

You ever get the feeling that sometimes corporations go about product development backwards? That they begin with an abstract idea, and then reverse engineer the idea until they find a product they can sell to us?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Angry Whopper from Burger King. The only burger in the world that was created from the essence of an emotion. They have attempted to create a food product that is meant to evoke white-knuckled shithouse rage in Americans. Someone at corporate must have said, "Let's make fun of the fact that people get pissed. Let's rile people up in the midst of a recession by throwing even more rage in the emotional ether." And by God, they somehow did it, charging you five bucks for it that you may not have to spare during said recession.

I thought it only fair that I partake in the Angry Whopper in an appropriately angry mood. I walked about a mile from the office down Travis at lunchtime, where my trip would be halted repeatedly by homeless people asking for change, and Suburbans barreling out of parking garages. They would come within inches of knocking me clear out of my worn-out Chuck Taylors that I wore on purpose since they have become uncomfortable and agitating. I ordered my Angry Whopper on a debit card that has little money on it; barely enough to maybe buy me a tank of gas to get to work, let alone pay my past due cell phone bill. I made sure to wear three layers of clothes, the outer one being a wool sweater on a warm day. To top it off, I made sure while I was walking to think of every one that has wronged me during my short time here on Earth and reflect on all of their individual transgressions. Men and women alike. Especially women. While I am writing this, I am listening to Slayer and Sean Hannity.

The Angry Whopper at its core is just a plain Whopper: beef patty, lettuce, tomato, onions, ketchup and mayonnaise. That's enough to already make one pissed off, given they are on a diet or a vegan. But what BK does to piss off the Whopper is throw jalapenos, hot sauce, a slice of pepper jack cheese, and some onion rings on the basic template. Heat equals rage I'm assuming. I remember getting pretty belligerent during the aftermath of Ike when my a/c was out, so it has some merit.

None of those extra ingredients get my goat, per se. In fact I have had nothing but good experiences with them. I love onion rings more than I love fries, maybe even more than life for that matter. I have never been hassled by pepper jack, nor been miffed by jalapenos or hot sauce. You wanna make me mad? Throw in a stray bone chip or two where you would put the jalapenos. Maybe put in a picture of my girlfriend half-clothed making out with some random dude in lieu of the onion rings. Tow away my car instead of placing a piece of pepper jack on the beef patty. Rob me at gunpoint outside the restaurant and keep the half ounce of hot sauce to yourself, Burger King.

There are worse things in this world than a Whopper with a few capsicum-laced additives and a cleverly annoying ad campaign. Next time, they should have a Whopper that calls you at inopportune times and asks you why you haven't gotten married or given them grandbabies yet. Yeah, the Mom Whopper. But I guess "perturbed" isn't as consumer-grabbing as "angry".

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty