This Week In Deliciousness

I can't write this column on an empty stomach. It's difficult to maintain your trademark acerbic wit when all you can think is, "I would literally murder somebody for that hamburger / pizza / pastry / whatever insane but incredible dish from Feast we've featured this week."

Having taken a sandwich break, we can now move on.

The week started with a review of Bluebell's three new ice cream flavors - damn it, now I need to find some ice cream -- followed by Mike Giglio's glowing review of Kitchen Kreations (née Milburn Café). Robb Walsh kick-started his own week with a trip to Segari's for some U-10 shrimp, which are shrimp that are so large, it takes at least ten U-boats to bring one down. After another cheesy Snackshot, Robb got down to the very serious business of experiencing some fine San Antone Tex-Mex. It's a little-known bylaw that any Texan referring to San Antone as "San Antonio" will be unceremoniously deported to Louisiana.

Y'all managed to once again correctly guess not only Where We Were Eating (Bodega's), but also What We Were Eating (a tamarind margarita). That's six gold stars in a row: four more and you guys get an extra serving of pudding at snack time! Next up: Margaret Downing investigated the refreshingly accurately-named Potbelly Sandwiches, whose bosses scoured all the land and decided Texas's own Zapp's potato chips are clearly the best. Aw, shucks. Lucky for Robb, he hangs on to his receipts, or else he might still be enjoying the crawfish at Jolynn's, from his makeshift cell in their basement.

J.C. Reid hit up Crystal Beach for Stingaree's Music Festival and the Texas Crab Festival, and the word on the street is: Bolivar Is Back! (Word on the beach? Whatever.) Robb waxed rhapsodic about the Lone Star Culinary / Flores Spice Company and vowed to next time bring a truck. Do not think for a second that he is exaggerating.

We're only up to Wednesday, folks. Like I said: eat before going anywhere near this column.

Margaret spent $13 on some Southern comfort food at Charlie's Restaurant and Catering in Missouri City, which is very different from spending $13 on Southern Comfort in Missouri City. Paul Galvani turned in this week's sushi-themed Café Bites, and Blake Whitaker (along with several innocent staff members) sampled some pond water out of a LifeBag. The conclusion: not bad, if you like weak Gatorade with overtones of dead joggers and duck shit.

Robb stopped by an adorable taco truck for an Industrial quesadilla, and pretended not to know that those little Ziploc baggies (used for salsa here) are also very convenient for selling cocaine. Nikki Metzgar invited everybody to sample Discovery Green's donut stand, and Robb looked into some home butchery supplies for the enterprising DIY butcher / cannibalistic serial killer. Not to be outdone, J.C. fantasized about slapping together the perfect pizza from all of Houston's fine pizza eateries, like some kind of tomato-sauce-slinging Victor Frankenstein. Yes, J.C., it could be done, but let us not forget the cost of tampering in God's domain! Wait, with Mozzarella di Bufala, you said? Never mind, let's do this!

Speaking of reckless, foolhardy experiments: There's a new way to cook barbeque called smoke-braising. The unstoppable powerhouse that is Pei Wei closed down some more Asian restaurants, and you can be the first on your block to enjoy a Hollister Burger from Hollister Grill on Hollister Street. In this week's slideshow, 20 Fictional Foods & Drinks We Wish Were Real, we were relieved to learn we aren't the only ones who resented the hell out of the fact that real Everlasting Gobstoppers are nothing like the ones in the first Willy Wonka movie. Also: If you're really wondering what tomacco would taste like, we're betting Red Bull Cola is a pretty close approximation. No, that's not a compliment.

The Cadillac Sunday Brunch offers you the unique opportunity to make your own Bloody Marys on a Sunday morning without feeling quite so pathetic. Have a few, they make church go by so much faster.

And finally, make sure you follow Little Big's jukebox on Twitter, and stop into the actual restaurant sometime for some incredible local music while you munch on your sliders. Hell, do it this weekend, it's not like you've got anything better planned.

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John Seaborn Gray