This Week in Deliciousness

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Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where sometimes we like to go out to the fishin' hole, throw in a couple dozen lit cans of Sterno, and have ourselves a big ol' boiled fish party.

No, that's not a nutria dipped in pubic hair, it's Ron Jeremy, and he characteristically wants to get you drunk. Any Ron Jeremy-brand liquor had better come with its own roofies, or else we question its authenticity.

As many of you have complained, Houston's almost complete lack of sushi restaurants has been frustrating for fans of food poisoning, but have no fear: We had a look at one of our fine city's few sushi joints. See, it's ironic humor, because obviously there are ten million fucking sushi restaurants inside the loop. We were happy to find not a single one on this list of five great Houston food experiences. Why are we hatin' on sushi? Because no one else will. We're not cranky curmudgeons, we're whistleblowers, okay?

Why is there no huge annual New Orleans gala called the Boudain Ball? Must we do everything ourselves?

We asked for commenter participation in letting us know who has the best bread around town, and we'll be sure to get out and try some "shitfart fagcock" bread just as soon as possible. In the meantime, consider leaving your thoughts as to the meals you are least proud of over here. For us, it would have to be that time we ate Chips Ahoy for breakfast. Every day for a year.

Some new food safety regulations passed, and because the bill was supported by President Obama, Republicans immediately issued a counter-statement declaring all food un-American and stating that "eating is terrorism." Remember: when you eat delicious roasted Pollo Bravo under Barack HUSSEIN Obama's fascist regime, you may as well be sharing a bucket with Osama bin Laden.

First we ruined your appetite with a truly nauseating parade of canned shit, and then we did our best to restore said appetite with some sexy chicks mackin' down hardcore on some burgers. Next week: shirtless, morbidly obese hillbillies eating corn dogs. Oh wait... that would actually experience too much overlap with our entree du Elvis.

That was a crazy-ass week. Go home from work, relax, pour yourself some tea, and screw around on your iPhone for a while. You deserve it.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

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Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.