Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where we're currently trying to engineer a type of sausage that looks like, tastes like, and has the consistency of soy. Ha ha, wouldn't that be crazy? Nobody says anything when it works the other way around, though. You vegetarians, constantly trying to corrupt our meats. Hmm... Corrupted Meat. We just found a name for the metal band we're starting. Thanks, vegetarians!
We shot this week full of lists of five: five things to do with your leftover party meat, five food trends from the 90's, five foods from when the nation was founded, five kid-friendly restaurants that won't cause the adults to launch into frenzied murder spasms, five under-appreciated candy bars, the five greatest meals ever eaten immediately before death, and finally, the five best BYOB joints in Houston. Every now and then we do like to throw a top ten at you, but generally we find that y'all just can't handle it. No doubt it's all the reality television, rotting your tender young minds.
We also had a couple of food fights, judging which health food stop is the fittest and pitting one shrimp tempura taco against another in a tornado of madness and hurt feelings. Gentlemanly culinary contests, however, are nothing compared to the genuinely heinous beating we would like to lay on whichever thieving son of a bitch made off with Toni Rouse's barbecue pit. We can't legally encourage people to hunt down the thieves and then beat them to within an inch of their worthless bastard lives... but we're not sure how to end that sentence.
Speaking of wistfully wishing for an abundance of food, we also took a look at some chains we wish were in Houston, leaving legions of stoners to decry our omission of White Castle in the comments. Relax guys: you can get hot dogs for breakfast now. It's a whole new age, man.
Nicaragua may be famous for sandinistas and bloody civil strife, but it turns out they're also occasionally cooking up some really impressive food. "Oh yeah, well, what makes Texas so great?" some pissed-off Nicaraguans are undoubtedly asking. Easy: we've got our own olive vineyard. Your move, La Tierra de Lagos, Volcanes, y Poetas.
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Houston is famous for its soul food, but what about its Seoul food? Looks like it's pretty good too. We're still not sure what the express lunch at Tony's is like, though, because we were unable to order it in favor of other stuff on the menu. We have willpower problems. Don't hold it against us; our gluttony is what helped make us top-shelf Foodologists.
A few announcements: Congratulations to Joshua Christie for winning Le Cordon Bleu's Future Chef of America Scholarship, and here's to hoping College Algebra doesn't fuck over that scholarship as badly as it did ours. THEY MAKE YOU TAKE IT WITH EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN MAJOR, IT'S NOT EVEN- okay. Okay, sorry.
If you haven't been paying attention, Robb Walsh's 100 favorite Houston dishes countdown is sadly reaching its close. We're up to number eight now and are about to move into the penultimate week, it seems.
Finally, you'd be crazy not to come to our Odd Pair smorgasbord at Absolve on July 25th. Donuts and Reisling? Are you kidding? We'll be there if we have to crawl out from under a pile of oily dead seagulls to do it. Aw, we ended on a sad joke this time. That sucks.