Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, the only food blog on the Internet that bothered to stencil obscene words onto our dyed Easter eggs. If you care enough, you put in the work, people.
This week started off with a "bleh" as we sampled some gluten-free pancakes and discovered that, although we aren't entirely certain what exactly "gluten" is, we now know that it is solely responsible for making pancakes taste good. The same cannot be said for lactose, however, which holds no power over the tastiness of goat's milk. Whenever TWiD asks if the cheese at any random Mexican restaurant is goat cheese, we're always given an evasive answer. Maybe they're not used to gabachos who actually dig the stuff.
The weather has been gorgeous lately; gorgeous enough, in fact, for a picnic. Get out there and have fun before Houston's notorious Bayou Assault Mosquitoes get into full swing. Speaking of assault: Is the local fast food place taking too long with your order? Why not be the World's Biggest Asshole about it? A rapper may put you on the Internet!
Brenham's got some good food, as do Seabrook and Burton and a whole bunch of other places. If only there was some way to conglomerate all that tasty road food... Know of any Houston spots that need more coverage? Write your own damn food column. Er... for us. Please? We're a food writer short.
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Walmart's got a shitload of gluten-free products available for purchase, so get some; you'll be up there anyway when we all get our Walmart chips implanted in our cerebral corteces. Is that the plural of "cortex"? This isn't something we imagined would ever come up. Nor did we imagine cupcakes would ever get as popular as they are. Don't get us wrong, we love cupcakes, but why are they the "in" dessert above all else these days? WILL NO ONE HONOR THE HUMBLE MUFFIN?
Look at all these awesome places to eat, and that's just in Upper Kirby. What's a dieting Houstonian to do? Quit dieting, obviously. We eat like men, dammit, we can't be bothered with plants and fungi and other foods that are good for us. When the Ice Age comes, not only will Houston be the last to freeze, we'll be the last to run out of fat. That's kind of a nice thought.
We've long since given up on properly cooking eggs, preferring to throw them angrily towards the skillet and collapse into a sobbing heap. That, however, doesn't mean all of you are as shitty at cooking them as TWiD is, so give it your best shot. We're just going to go ahead and dye ours with natural coloring. That shouldn't be too hard, how badly can you screw up a dye job OH GOD CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Okay, we're fine, although we're going to have a difficult time explaining this purple arm in the coming week. We'll wear long sleeves to Houston Press' Menu of Menus Extravaganza, and we'll be sure to wear a cheap one, since this year's event promises to be a virtual orgy of food. Or perhaps a literal orgy of food, depending on whether or not they cut you guys off at the wine bar in time. Hmmm. Maybe we'll just wear a poncho.