Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where your Pizza Boomerangs are no match for our Nacho Javelins.
The roundup was slightly less weekly last week, because - and this is true - I spent the morning in the emergency room having tests done and several dozens of vials of blood drawn only to find the diagnosis was: chest cold and pulled muscle in the side. Hooray! A diagnosis worth several hundred dollars! Anyway, I collapsed into bed the moment I got home and my body shut down in order to regenerate some freaking blood. So I guess I'm saying I'm sorry I missed last week and you can take comfort in the fact that at least I wasn't off doing something fun.
One of the articles I missed last week was this one on cork taint, which would be a great band name. The comments soon became a cacophony of wine aficionados claiming to have such incredibly sharp sensory perception that they could tell you which wine factory worker stomped on the grapes just by having a small child smash the bottle on the pavement and describe the splash over the phone.
I guess Goths are still a thing in some circles, although by now they've got work clothes, dental plans and kids old enough to roll their eyes in mortification whenever Dad blasts Sisters of Mercy in the SUV. Apparently they're still drinking, though, so good for them. Red wine still tastes pretty good with Metamucil in it.
The bacon backlash has begun, and we love bacon, but yeah, it was time. The joke is played out, guys. Just adding bacon to something isn't enough to make it cute anymore. Next fad: venison. Just you watch.
There's a new food truck around: Bare Bowls, which so far is sticking to the canny business plan of following its sister truck, Shitload O' Containerless Soup. Pi Pizza looks pretty good, too, although they surely ripped off a great idea I had a few columns back and I am definitely going to sue. (Legal Department Note: Don't sweat it, Pi Pizza, Gray swears up and down that the television show Bones stole its title from one of his ideas about, and we quote, "how to hold up a person-size meatbag.")
We took a look at some of our least favorite food mascots, and yes, the Trix Rabbit came in at number one. Hey, if it makes you guys feel any better, those kids didn't keep the Trix away from him because he was a rabbit. They did it because he was gay.
Justin Yu's Money Cat Brunch fundraiser was quite successful, with a couple dozen amazing-looking dishes and one that is absolutely terrifying. Also scary: apparently people are chowing down in the gym now? Occasionally on dreadful foods? Holy God, we wonder why we're fat, we can't even stop eating while we're working out. "I find if I get extra meatballs on my meatball sub, it really helps me blast my delts lifting it to and from my face."
If you gained around 20 pounds of butter over the holidays like I did but you're too put-off by the buffet lines at the gym to work out, then we found a book for you. It sucks being a fat hipster, concert tees only come in two sizes: "small" and "girlishly small." If I lose 40 or so pounds, I ought to be able to finally fit into the Arcade Fire shirt I got last April.
If, on the other hand, you're one of these people who is going to run a really, really, really long way on Sunday, then you may need more carbs than even the cookie shop in your gym's changing room can provide. Here's where Houston's love of noodles and desserts comes into play.
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In somewhat depressing news, our Power Bar challenge confirmed what we already knew: all power bars taste like chocolate-covered hay. In immensely enraging news, Dr Pepper bought Dublin Dr Pepper because, as far as I can tell, Dr Pepper is run by the Snow Miser.
Finally: Pizza Boomerang. Damn, that guy from Flight of the Conchords has gotten pretty swole.