Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where springtime is here again, which can only mean one thing: any day now we're going to start seeing the annual news reports coming in from the Valley of yokels who claim to have shot a "chupacabra." SPOILER ALERT: They're always coyotes with mange.
We started the week off right with a first look at Katsuya by Starck, a welcome addition to Houston's appallingly empty field of sushi restaurants. We can't stop building them until there's a sushi restaurant inside a Starbucks across the street from a sushi restaurant inside a Starbucks, you guys.
Wendy's beat out Burger King for second most popular fast food chain this week, and if this is the kind of thing that really bothers you, re-think your life, please. Hell, this stuff is probably better for you than anything on either of those menus. Probably not by much, though.
We had a look at a few blasts from various pasts this week, and it made me wonder: do you think it would be in poor taste to open a World War II-themed breakfast food truck called The Luftwaffle? Come on, imagine the winged-waffle logo. Shooting syrup at Allied pancakes. This shit conceptualizes itself.
The McHuevo sounds delectable, even if it does share the nickname of an Irish-Mexican kid I went to grade school with. He got that nickname following a pretty horrific misstep on the balance beam. Gruesome. The aftermath was almost as off-putting as biscuits and gravy is to people from other countries. All I want to do now is make southern food for people from faraway lands. "What do you mean, 'obscene'? Chicken tastes great with bits of fried lard in it. Eat it, ya big fraidy cat."
What should they have in the new Houston Dynamo stadium, do you think? Here are our ideas, but really, we'll be happy as long as it never contains the Astros. (Some good local pizza wouldn't be a bad idea, though.)
So we covered a bit of a situation concerning Underbelly, Hay Merchant, and their neighbors, and do you think everyone involved handled themselves with gracious maturity and tact? Ha ha ha! You're hilarious, you are!
There's much happier news, though: a new chocolate factory could be preparing to help Houston regain its coveted number one spot on the list of America's Fattest Cities. That will be a grand day. We will gaily spin our Rascal scooters in celebration.
A fan of flavor? You can make your own spice mixes pretty easily, yo. Not a fan of flavor? You'll want to get your hands on some "finely textured lean beef" then, which also goes by its more Nickelodeon-ish name, "pink slime." Euphemistic language isn't culture poison at all! It definitely doesn't make me want to perform radical cranial evacuation upon myself with a steel-jacketed projectile rapid delivery device!
Finally, on a somewhat serious note, the city of Houston wants to stop people from handing out free food to those who need it, because - of course - the needy can be such an unseemly element and bring down the whole tone of the neighborhood. Yup, it's NIMBY rearing its ugly head again, so follow this story and vote against this snooty bullshit or else I'll round up every vagrant within a 100-mile radius and take them shopping every weekend in the Galleria. And the Woodlands. And River Oaks. Oh yeah. You can run but you can't hide, rich kids.