This Week in Deliciousness

Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where we would pay more money than is reasonable to own rooftop Christmas decorations of Santa Claus and Jesus dueling the Grinch and the krampus with candy cane swords. Now THAT would truly be the reason for the season.

We started the week off right with bean curd! That is, in fact, how we roll! Speaking of "roll," bread people, baby! Hilarious but also disturbing. Hilaristurbing!

Galveston's native son Neil "Bigmista" Strawder returned home to sell some barbecue for a good cause, which is nice to see this time of year. Yup, it's almost time for Christmas and you're bound to have a bunch of candy canes lying around, so why not put them to good use? You can sharpen them and use them to perforate the jerks who gave you this crap. A punctured kidney is bad enough, but the essence of peppermint in the wound really stings.

Pho with chicken instead of beef? Not as crazy as it sounds. And certainly not nearly as the closure of the final brewpub in Houston. A bunch of other places closed, too, but somehow that one hurts the most. On the other hand, there are still plenty of great places open for business, so that's something, right? We're trying to be positive here. Wait, no we aren't.

Nick found some shit in the woods and threw it in with some booze, and soon he'll drink it and let us know what happens. He also provided some advice for those looking to buy some cheap yet useful kitchen gadgets for your culinary friends, just in case you couldn't afford any of the Espresso Cyborgs or Self-Cleaning Automated Breakfast Stations (S.C.A.B.S.) we showcased last week.

Katharine found some experts to recommend some wine for our Christmas enjoyment. She also found some interesting Google statistics. You are what you Google, you know. I, for instance, am 10 percent directions to places I've been dozens of times, and 90 percent naughty librarian porn. The "money shot" is when she takes off the glasses and ponytail to reveal - gasp! - she was hot all along!

President Obama thinks it would be nice if slightly fewer of us were poisoned by our food from now on, so naturally the Republicans are falling all over themselves trying to come up with ways that a certain amount of rodent feces are actually good for us. We fully expect all of this to culminate with Glenn Beck eating a bowl of rat shit live on his show. For once, I would watch.

Finally, have a cookie and read about the best restaurants that haven't opened yet, but will soon. And remember: Christmas is coming up soon, but there's still time to invent a wacky new tradition or two. We're going to try to think of one that incorporates the library in some way.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
John Seaborn Gray