Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where a halfway decent heartburn remedy should net you a Nobel Peace Prize, as far as we're concerned.

If your definition of starting the week off right is starting it off with a one-sided ass-whomping, then we definitely started the week off right by pitting American Coke against Mexican Coke in a taste-off. The results were similar to your average USA vs. Mexico soccer match, minus all the diving and "ironic" vuvuzelas.

Happy Ramadan to all who practice it out there, but do try and stay hydrated. It might not be a bad idea to go ahead and set up an IV drip for the daytime, or at least go for a 29-day vacation in Seattle or Bangor.

Has the most famous salty, fatty lunch meat made from the discarded bits of livestock too disgusting to be used anywhere else somehow developed a stigma? Apparently it has, because sales for bologna are even lower nowadays than the DOW-Jones. My humor is topical, like a rash.

Disappointment was in the air at Dim Sum King, because dim sum pretty nasty shrimp har gow. Speaking of stuff that may be tough for a native Texan to pronounce, have you tried the caipirinha yet? If so, could you please tell me how to pronounce it? Bartenders just stare at me when I order the "Gay Piranha."

Are you the kind of person who would give a restaurant a bad review because it was raining the whole time you were there? Well then you might not understand what the rest of us find so hilarious about Fuck You Yelper, a beautiful place where bitchy, ignorant, entitled internet reviewers are called out as the scum we so often are, frequently in a format unintentionally resembling free verse or even haiku.

We recounted five famous dead people we'd like to dine with, assuming we or they could travel in time and join us for a meal in their living form. Perhaps we should have included that caveat, because otherwise a meal with five centuries-old corpses at the table will be pretty gross and, honestly, seems like an open invitation for some kind of zombie shit to go down.

We checked out what's up at CINQ, which stands for Culinary Institute of New Queensland. No, we made that up. Sorry if we had your appetite raring for some cuisine from a fictional Australian province. Much more non-fictional was our experience at Palazzo's, which of course was started by the family patriarch Enrico, a famous opera singer and baseball umpire. No, sorry, that's just not true, either.

A coffee shop called Blacksmith is opening next spring, from the folks who brought you Anvil. Get it? If they start a fondue place, maybe it could be called The Smelting Pot. Or a barbecue ribs place called Pig Iron. I got a million of 'em. No, actually just those two.

Finally, we'd like to remind you that you probably haven't tried the new Hubcap Grill location yet, and you might want to. I mean, not to get into your business, but if you like awesome burgers and craft beer, maybe give it a go. Have a great weekend!