Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where this year my puns finally beat out Kraft Macaroni 'N' Cheese to win the official title of "The Cheesiest." Here's to hoping Kraft is one of those resilient companies who can get pasta loss like that!
We started the week off right with the fifth annual No Holds Barred Chili Cook-Off at Shady Tavern, where they're serious about the whole "no holds barred" thing: murdering a rival team member is not only legal within the contest confines, it's encouraged. The paperwork to apply for that permit must have been a nightmare.
There's a new "Irish" pub open in Midtown, but don't get your hopes up: it seems to be about as Irish as Hakeem Olajuwon. You'll love it if you've been missing all the crazy shit that used to be plastered all over the walls at TGIFriday's, though.
Felix's will live on - sort of - when Uchi opens up sometime soon, as the brand new sushi restaurant is incorporating Felix's famous arches into its architecture. Wait, a new sushi restaurant? Oh thank Christ! Perhaps Houston's glaring shortage of sushi restaurants is almost over. Why, just the other day I walked around the block in Midtown and there were only seven sushi restaurants on that block! A mere seven! What an outrage.
You'll be able to eat healthy on Thanksgiving this year thanks to us, and you'll also be able to make that meal entirely gluten-free if that's what you're into. Seriously, why are things like peanut butter and gluten killing everyone now? I remember when the only allergies were to bee stings and ragweed. Now if your average kid touches a cashew, he drops dead. It's not fair. Know what else isn't fair? That new Trader Joe's will be opening up in The Woodlands, because those folks are in a real bind for things to spend their money on. The only time we ever get out to The Woodlands is when we're reluctantly heading to the Cynthia Mitchell Woods Pavilion to see an artist we love who for some reason refuses to play anywhere else. So maybe I can finally sample Trader Joe's famous popcorn the next time I go see Tom Petty.
We had a list of celebrity chefs we would and would not like to see naked, and somebody screwed up and put Padma Lakshmi on the same list as Paula Deen. And it doesn't matter which list it is, either, that is foul and uncalled for in both cases. As is the fact that, for an average-sized man, it's possible to eat three Happy Meals per day and lose weight. Yeah... possible, but not likely, and decidedly ill-advised.
After some mediocre migas, we took a look at some famous food items celebrating their 31st year in existence, like the Turducken, which is a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey. Damn. If man-eating aliens ever show up and decide I'm tasty, I really hope they just serve me straight-up and don't feel the need to cram me way up inside two other dudes. Let's have a little dignity here, please, aliens.
What's your favorite of the free food you get served before your order even gets taken? And am I crazy, or did they used to serve a bread basket complete with two throw pillow-sized biscuits at Dot's for free? Now you have to ask for it, and it costs money. Did that basket used to be gratis, or do I owe Dot's some back payments?
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Just in case you were wondering, no, we still haven't been able to find anyone in the tunnels who gives a shit about the quality of the food they serve you. Man, who would have thought that people working several dozen feet beneath the ground amongst the crowds and out of the sunlight like hive slaves would develop chronic apathy toward their consumers?
Cheer up, tunnel workers: we've got tons of great local brews to enjoy. Creep out of your burrows, blink sleepily in the sunlight, and commence the drinking. I command it.