This Week in Deliciousness

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Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where we're currently taking bets on how many Jack Sparrows it will be possible to see in one day at Dickens On the Strand. Our guess: 14. Not counting the parade.

We started the week off right with some poutine, which is so, so bad for you. Poutine makes the Monte Cristo sandwich look like a fat-free turkey sub on wheat pita. If you order it in front of a nutritionist, they cry every time. It's pretty great.

Dirt cocktail, anyone? Say, wasn't that the title of a Zappa album? I could probably remember if I ate more brain food. I always mean to buy brain foods when I'm in the grocery store, but I can never remember what they are... oh well.

Don Julio has made some kind of clear tequila or other, we're not sure. We stopped drinking tequila a long time ago due to medical reasons (kept waking up atop piles of syringes and human teeth).

Know what was great about Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka? It was the fact that on the surface, he was a whimsical delight of a man, but underneath was quite likely a raging homicidal pervert. At least, that's what they call me whenever I strand a bunch of kids on a boat and show them films of chickens being dismembered.

Yao Ming is getting into the wine business, and it looks like he's doing well, since each individual bottle of his first run is going to cost as much as cheap foot surgery. I kid Ol' Graham Cracker Tootsies. I'd treat him to some Peking duck if I could, and even pay off the staff to re-enact the enchantingly racist final scene from A Christmas Story. Then Yao would shatter both my jaw and his wrist in one blow, and we'd laugh about it together in the ambulance. I've put a lot of thought into this.

Everybody's favorite massively overrated fast food chain Chick-Fil-A is suing a guy from Vermont who wears and sells "Eat More Kale" T-shirts because that slogan is apparently a tad too similar to the chicken chain's successful advertising campaign for illiterates, "EAT MOAR CHIKN." I have a solution: the Vermont guy should change his slogan to "Eat More Kale and Also Legalize Gay Marriage." PROBLEM SOLVED.

Do men and women cook differently, overall? Well, it's kind of hard to imagine a woman inventing beer batter, but on the other hand, it doesn't really matter which sex invented "lady fingers," it's still unsettling as hell. Get it? "On the other hand?" You gotta stay on your toes with me, folks. Get it? Toes? I'm so sorry for this.

Samurai Steak & Sushi sounds delicious, and it's quite entertaining to watch each individual piece of meat get attacked with a bloodcurdling shriek.

Dallas did what it does best on Top Chef: Texas this week, and by that I of course mean they made themselves look like vapid assholes. But the more you hate people from Dallas, the more they like it. Speaking of hate, lots of folks are hating on us for advocating the slaughter of horses for their meat, but let's be real here, kids: they look damned tasty. As a fan of venison chili, I'd be a hypocrite if I said I would never eat horse meat. That having been said, nah, I probably won't eat it. Horses are way muscular, it's gotta be tough as hell, and my teeth are very sensitive thanks to the fact that for six years I accidentally used sugar cookie dough as toothpaste.

Here's something we can all agree on: booze done well is worth rewarding.

Finally, I'd like to leave you this week with a pair of fine cookbooks and a challenge to find something in one of them and cook it, just cook it, even if you suck at cooking, what the hell, give it a shot. If Marco Torres can go 30 days without any Mexican food, you can bake a blueberry pie. Welcome back to the fold, Marco.

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